


Lonely

by Graciethekay



Category: falsettos
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 35,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22259401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Graciethekay/pseuds/Graciethekay
Summary: Falsettos college AU bc why not
Relationships: Marvin/Trina (Falsettos), Trina/Mendel Weisenbachfeld, Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Comments: 97
Kudos: 61





	1. 3 rules

**Author's Note:**

> Please don’t judge, I’m not very good at this!!!

Rule 1)

Don’t eat a meal with them.

Rule 2)

Never see them again. 

Rule 3) 

Never at home.

Whizzer Brown religiously stuck to the rules, no matter who they were, where they lived or how rich they were, whizzer Brown WOULD NOT break the rules. Often times he was questioned of their necessity, but he had not broken the rules once. It was part of the challenge. 

He never ate with the men he slept with as it felt too much like a date.

He never saw a man he slept with again in case they wanted to make it a habit.

He never slept with the men at his own home, they had no way of finding him afterwards. That rule was the most important, it also led him to the most amount of trouble. Some men were greedy, couldn’t wait to take him home, and instead satisfied him in bathrooms or cab rides home to the ‘home address’ whizzer gave them. But once in a while he was taken to a house, an apartment,even a dorm room, but he never stayed.

And that was where he was. A bar, looking for someone new. Whizzer ran a hand through his styled hair, scanning the room   
for someone who looked like a bit of fun, and that was when he caught a glimpse of stranger, ordering a drink at the other end of the bar. Whizzer smirked to himself before sauntering up to the man. He’ll suffice, he thought, he’ll do nicely. 

“Hey, you’re cute”

Wait what, whizzer thought to himself, I make the first move

“Oh really” whizzer raised his eyebrow and slightly bit his lip suggestively. “wanna fuck” two can play this game

The man at the bar spluttered in surprise “are you normally this straight forward”

“Well I wouldn’t really say I’m straight but sure”

And that was the conversation that led to whizzers current position- him bent over in a bathroom stall, being pounded into and choked until he saw stars. Rough was how he liked it. Really rough. Most people would call him a slut, but that’s not how he saw it. To him, all these people were filling the void, and that kept him occupied. The man stuffed his fingers into whizzers mouth, daring him to keep quiet. And with a final thrust, the latter climaxed. Whizzer collapsed to the floor, over taken with pleasure and pain, and the man quickly zipped up his jeans and turned to exit the bathroom stall. 

“And where do you think you’re going” 

“I need to get home”

“Yeah, so do I bitch, but I can’t get up at this second, and it would be nice for a little help to be offered”

“you’re the one calling me the bitch, that’s rich coming from a man who was literally begging me to pull his hair!so goodbye!”

With that, the man stormed out of the bathroom, banging the stall door behind him. 

The comment stung, it left whizzer jaw on the bathroom floor, in pain and with no way to get back to his home. He quickly pulled himself together, not any different to normal, he thought, before quickly gathering his clothes and trying (and failing) to dress himself whilst causing as little pain as possible. 

Degrading. That’s how it is every-time. Whizzers always stark naked, whilst the guy doesn’t even take off his trousers. Yes it hurts, and it’s hardly ever worth it, but tonight felt different. The sex was actually good, it was rough and raw and real, but the rules always apply. That’s the price of playing the game.

After he changed, he patted down his pockets, looking for his phone.

“Hey it’s me, yes I know..... but please.... I’ll go a week... fine I’ll go two weeks without it, just please pick me up... I owe you one m... I’ll see you in 10”


	2. Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just sayin, I’m from the Uk so don’t @ me about laws and stuff bc we can drink in bars at 16 and also have sex so (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

And that was when whizzers mom found out he wasn’t a virgin... or straight. It was a strange turnout later that night, when his mother came to pick up a tipsy, aching and very surprised whizzer.

‘Mom? what are you doing here?’ He exclaimed, shocked into an almost sober state.  
‘ your friend called.’ She replied, her words laced with an unseen anger and disappointment,   
‘ get in.’

Her sentences were short and sharp, they felt like a knife digging into him. He winced, both at the tone of her voice and the effort it took to struggle into a standing position from the curb. The stone women in the car rolled her window up and stared vacantly into the distance as she waited for a stumbling whizzer to get into the passenger side. He finally reached the door and sat, unwillingly taking a small gasp of air as he did so, wincing internally. 

The silence between the two was deafening, and whizzer found himself praying that everything would be alright. He had always hated the silence. He knew that it was the calm before the storm, but in this moment , he relished it. This time he knew how bad the storm would be. His Mother took a breath in, and he found himself clenching his jaw, anticipating the damage.

‘ you reek of sex.’ she said in an icy manner.  
‘I’m eighteen.’ he replied, mimicking her tone.

She let out a puff of air, pulled the car back out into the road and the silence began again but this time it felt toxic, sinister, dark. Whizzer began to get increasingly nervous, shooting slight glances at his mother in an attempt to read her. He started to fidget in his seat. Without meaning to, his breathing became pronounced as his worries built, and he began biting at his usually pristine fingernails. It felt like hours later when his mom finally cut through the silence again,

‘Who were they? Some random girl you just happen to meet at a bar?’  
‘No’ whizzer kept his answers short, concise as to not give anything away  
‘Cut the crap whizzer, I thought I raised you god damn better than this’

Whizzer stayed silent, trying to formulate some kind of response that wouldn’t hurt his mother. 

‘Whizzer Fucking Brown, you better tell me who she was right now. You know how immature you’re being right now. You need to be be careful, so many things could go wrong’

She silenced for a minute, and whizzer looked at her. He knew why she was cautious. It was how he had been conceived. His Dad had upped and left before he was even born, and he knew how much pain his mother went through trying to raise him on her own at sixteen. Even now, he could recognise when she had been crying about how difficult everything was, and how many bills were due, so he had two jobs to help her out. 

‘Mom...I’  
She began to shout again and soon their voices were overlapping, getting overwhelmingly faster and louder before whizzer broke,  
‘It was a guy’


	3. Honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that it’s gonna get good next chapter
> 
> ;)
> 
> Yo, if anyone’s actually reading this, please can you comment and say hi because I’m high key lonely right now, that’s why I named the book lonely. 
> 
> Quick maths

Silence. 

It was the silence that got to him.

Whizzer felt nauseous, his forehead began to get slick with sweat and his breathing became jagged. His Mom pulled the car to a standstill, and he leapt out of the car, retching the remaining alcohol out of his system. He shook from the cold and the notion that he just told his Mom the biggest secret he had ever kept, and then he began to cry.

The tears streamed down his face and all of the 11 pm shadows blurred into one deep darkness that made his stomach hurt. It felt as though his heart had shattered into millions of pieces, and he was alone in the world. 

And then he felt her arms wrap around him, and the pain overcame him;

No matter how bad it hurts for your heart to break, it hurts more to fix it. The millions of fragments never fit in the same place as previously, they leave tiny gaps and holes in the structure that weaken it, that cause the owner to build new, much higher walls to protect it and throw their own grenades over to tear down others’ walls.

And that’s how Whizzer felt when his Mom took him in her arms and engulfed him in a hug that he did not expect. And then she did something even more unexpected, she too began to cry with him.

‘ I’m sorry it hurt you so much to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other.’

Her tears became stronger and the wind began to whip around the both of them as they embraced. It felt like hours later when they finally detached themselves from One another. Their tears began to slow and Whizzer looked down at his Mother, 

‘Mom’ his voice began to softly crack in pain ‘ it’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust anyone else’ he smiled a small, slight smile, unusual too his normal cocky grin. 

She smiled up at him, in a lonely fashion that said more words than she could ever speak. And with that, the uncomfortable silence between them diminished and they took their places in the car before heading home.

‘When were you going to tell me?’  
‘Before I went off for College’ 

And so the endless questions began, making an emotionally, and physically, exhausted Whizzer regret all life decisions he had ever made. 

‘How long have you known?’

And then Whizzer explained everything, even the painfully embarrassing things that under normal circumstances he would refuse to talk to his Mother about. 

‘Momma, I’m so sorry’  
‘It’s okay, just answer one more question, for me, please’

He took a deep breath and felt his eyes slowly droop,

‘Shoot’  
‘How often have you been doing this?’  
‘Pretty much every week since I was sixteen , I just enjoy sex , but I always stick to my rules, I’m always safe’

And suddenly his heart felt light and fluttered With the realisation that he wouldn’t have to sneak around anymore. Honesty felt good.


	4. Marvin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one took a while.
> 
> You know when you know exactly how and where and when you want something to happen, but you can’t put it into words 😫😫

Marvin.

Marvin led a ‘happy’ childhood… both his parents were together, he had a big house with people who worked for him, and he got whatever he wanted. He wouldn’t say that he was spoilt, he just realised that his parents thought that they would be better without him at a very young age. They never spent time with him, and left him with the ‘maids’ and ‘chefs’ and threw their wallets at his nannies and babysitters to get him to shut up, which he constantly used to his advantage.

And him constantly using his parents credit cards was the reason he was able to speed down the motorway in one of the newest model Ferrari’s whilst complaining to his best friend on his latest iPhone, his voice blaring out of the Bluetooth speakers. 

‘So I heard she has a thing for you...’ 

‘Look, Bro’, 

Marvin exclaimed through the speaker as he took the nearest exit off the motorway

‘I like the lifestyle I have right now’

‘What do you mean, Fucking any girl who can walk’

‘You mean until they can’t walk!’ he snickered 

‘No, I mean you need to grow up, you’re literally driving yourself to college right now, you’ve gotta get something more permanent’

Marvin grimaced at the phone and began to wonder if his friend was right, he had never even considered a serious relationship with anyone before. For him, it was a mess of one night stands with girls he had never even gotten the name of, or a random girl at his (now old) high school. 

‘Give me some time to settle into college, then I’ll think about it, alright?’

The silence at the other end of the line told him everything he needed to know.

‘Okay, bye’

A hefty feeling hit him as he looked at his watch, he had been driving for hours now and needed to stretch his legs. He drove across the empty tarmac , winding around hedged roads until he got to a bar in the middle of no where. The sun had begun to set over the horizon, and everything was bathed in a warm orange light, that made his red car glow. Upon getting out he checked his reflection on its hood, smirking to himself at the prospect of a ‘hopefully’ good fuck, before turning on his heels and heading into the bar.

He ordered himself a whisky on the rocks and sat on a bar stool before straightening up and cracking his back, it had been a long day but he only had a couple of hours left to drive before he got to college. He hadn’t admitted it to anyone, but he was thrilled to start his life away from home, especially since he had taken his Fathers credit card as a going away gift. Thinking of his home didn’t make him feel anything.

Except anger.

He felt a lot of anger. Marvin had told his parents which university he wanted to go to, they paid for him. That was it, they didn’t even wave him goodbye, he just ended up shouting up the stairs at them like any normal day. They didn’t offer to give him a ride, or help him settle in, and he was left to drive the 6 hours on his own.

The bartender placed the drink in front of him and Marvin gave him a surly nod before turning his head to look around him. And then he saw him; the most beautiful man he had ever seen. He was tall and pretty, with a stunning smile and eyes that crinkled as he laughed at the guy who sat next to him. And then he looked at Marvin.

All of a sudden Marvin became very uncomfortable and turned his flushed face back down to his drink, which he swirled nervously, the ice cubes clinking against the glass. What the hell had happened to him? He saw a cute guy and all of a sudden he wanted to melt, and since when had he found guys cute? His thoughts began to race through his head faster and faster as he focused on downing his drink and getting out of there as fast as possible…

And that’s when he saw the stranger, sauntering towards him, running a hand through his pristine hair. 

“Hey, you’re cute”

The words seemingly flew from Marvin’s mouth without any command, as he stared at his glass in horror of what he’d just said, he quickly took a sip of his whisky

“Oh really” 

The man bit his lip and took a calculated glance at Marvin’s lower regions before smirking 

“Wanna fuck?”

And that was how the remaining whisky landed on Marvin’s lap.


	5. Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeting my way down town  
> Walking fast 
> 
> Sees someone I know
> 
> Walking even faster 
> 
> Hope yall enjoy 😉

It wasn’t like Marvin felt good about running out of the bathroom after having sex with the gorgeous stranger, but he didn’t feel horrendously bad about it, (The man seemed like an asshole to him). Marvin had begun to spiral into a mess of sexuality questioning, he had never had sex with a man before and was honestly not sure how he had ended in this position. 

So he just ran of the bathroom leaving the ‘pretty boy’ alone after feeling sick and guilty and most of all, scared. Marvin just didn’t understand what was happening to him, he had never in his life wanted to fuck a guy, but the moment just... happened, and now he was confused. 

Insanely confused.

He stormed out of the bar, heading to his car in a fit of passion, not concentrated on anyone or anything other than trying to get out as fast as possible. And that was when it hit him, he had just fucked a guy...

And he enjoyed it. Marvin had enjoyed it.

Shit.   
Shit.   
Shit. 

He finally managed to get to his car and reached out for the door handle before he keeled over and threw up , just missing the shiny paint. He struggled back up to a standing position, and wiped the rancid liquid from the side of his mouth before he sank back down to the floor. His head pounded in a continuous manner, and the emotional exhaustion hit him. He curled up into a ball, his back against his car and his head thrown to the sky, taking in the darkness. 

Marvin wasn’t used to the dark, he had lived in a city all his life and during the night, streetlights bathed most streets, this meant that he never saw stars either, so small and fierce burning brightly and aggressively. 

Shit.   
Shit.   
Shit. 

He uttered the word in a continuous manner, over and aver again, rocking back and forth. It felt like hours later when he finally felt strong enough to make his way back up to a standing position and let his breathing return to normal. He slowly sunk into his car and suddenly his body turned on auto pilot, without his thoughts, he pulled the car out of the car park and drove.

Just drove.

He didn’t know where to, his mind and body were numb, it felt as though he was witnessing someone else, he couldn’t feel anything anymore. He drove for miles until he found light again.

Another bar.

He pulled into its car park and parked his car, still feeling numb and cold inside, and then he entered the bar and again, for the second time that night, took a seat at the bar, ordering a much stronger drink than earlier. 

“Bad day” the girl next to him asked. Marvin eyed her up and down, she was moderately good looking,  
“ you wouldn’t believe it.” 

And again, for the second time that night, Marvin found himself in a toilet stall, balls deep in a stranger. He thrust into her aggressively, pulling her hair back. In turn she was screaming at an intolerable pitch. 

“Shut the fuck up” he said as he cupped his Hand over her mouth. This went on for a few minutes before she came with a high pitched moan and pulled his hand off of her mouth and pulled off his dick,

“That was fun” She exclaimed, before pulling a pen out of her hair and scribbling her number onto his wrist,   
“Call me if you’re having another bad day” 

And with that she waltzed out of the bathroom, leaving Marvin hard and shitfaced 

and wondering what the authors obsession with bathroom sex was about


	6. Accidental demon summoning... and gay porn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m actually getting really hyped, I have SO MANY IDEAS right now

It wasn’t until late the next afternoon that Marvin finally got to his university. The afternoon breeze floated around him and as he drove towards the campus, catching his first glimpse of green, and for the first time he felt content, not angry or scared, just present. He had a pounding headache from last nights ordeal and was , at that moment, trying to forget everything about the guy from last night. The autumnal air began to chill and brightness of the sun began to dim as he headed to the campus car park. 

After at least an hour of finding a good spot and lugging his suitcase out of the trunk of his car, with much swearing, Marvin found his way out into the piazza. He stood at the bottom of the big stone steps of the beautiful main hall, and just appreciated the fact he was there.

“Hi, are you in need of a tour?” 

Marvin spun around to see a girl the same height as him, surrounded by a group of other people, all with bags slung over their shoulders, standing awkwardly, not knowing at all who anyone else was. 

“I’m okay right now, but can you point me to the main dorms?”

“Sure thing” she said, slightly too bubbly “they’re just pass the cafe down there” 

She pointed in the direction of the cafe and gave Marvin a big smile, her eyes lighting up.

“Thanks” 

Marvin turned to head in the direction she pointed to and made a mental note to ask her out sometime, she was kinda cute after all. He wheeled his suitcase along the pavement leisurely, taking in all the scenery that he wouldn’t used to seeing at home. And then he stopped as he reached the dorms. They were stunning, modern, picturesque, and not what he had expected. He had a good feeling about this. 

He entered the towering building and strutted with purpose to the girl with a clipboard.

“Hi, Uhh...My name is Marvin... I’m here for a dorm”  
“Marvin...” she scanned down the list, tracing a finger along the page, “Marvin... Feldman. Oh! You’re rich right!”   
Marvin’s face contorted in confusion as he looked at the blonde girl  
“Excuse me?”  
“Well you’ve got one of the top floors, they have a beautiful view, plus you’re only rooming with one other guy, some Whizzer Brown”  
Marvin looked at her, eyes wide in confusion.

“Oh I’m sorry, my name’s Cordelia, I’m here to help people settle in, I’ll take you to your room!”

Marvin, still filled with confusion, followed the blonde bouncy girl to an elevator where she bent over to tie her shoelaces. Marvin, not so subtly, began to stare at her ass through her short tight denim skirt and smirked to himself before she bounced back up to standing as the elevator binged. 

“So you’re on floor 5,” Cordelia said as she walked down the long corridor, “ oh, and you’re room 104” 

She put her hand into her pocket and dug out a set of 3 keys

“These are for you, your roommate will also have a set, I suggest keeping 1 on you at a time, so you don’t loose them all at once!” she turned around and fit the key into the lock before taking a step back and opening the door “ and this is your new home!”

Marvin took a step through the door and entered the large white room. On the opposite side, the whole wall was made of glass, showing the beautiful view of the green and orange parks on the campus. To his left, was a single bed, and the same to his right. He shuffled to the centre of the room before dropping his suitcase, and turning to look at Cordelia. On either sides of the doorframe she stood in, there were desks, one for him and one for the stranger who he now had to live with. Marvin dove for the nearest bed, and flopped down with a ‘floomph’.

“Thank you” Marvin smiled up at Cordelia, a grin growing on his face   
“No problems Marv”   
“Marv-in”   
“I know” 

And with that, Cordelia turned and flounced out of the room, leaving Marvin alone, his thoughts growing and confusing themselves. So Marvin did what he usually did in times of ‘not knowing’. He took his phone out of his pocket and started googling. 

After a couple of hours, Marvin seemed to have happened upon gay porn, which gave him conflicted feelings. Yes he was hard, but no that did not mean that he was attracted to this kind of thing. Right? So he put down his phone and thought back to his previous nights ordeals, he thought of the pretty boy, and how bad he felt after walking out on him. He covered his face with his hands and sighed deeply, scrunching his forehead.

But you know what they say, speak of the devil and he shall appear...

And suddenly, Marvin heard a voice, smooth and lyrical cut through the air.

“well Fuck me gently with a chainsaw”


	7. Whizzer

“Well Fuck me gently with a chainsaw” 

The words flew from whizzer’s mouth as If they were on their own. This was not what he was expecting, and now his rules had been deeply compromised.

“How the fuck is this fucking shit possible?” The boy who had recently fucked him exclaimed as he looked up in horror at whizzer, “you know how many people go to this college, because some cunt has definitely done this on purpose!” 

“hello to you too” was all Whizzer could muster, no witty comeback came to him in his internalised state of panic. 

He dropped his suitcase down and sat on the bed facing opposite the other man. 

Shit.

Everything had gone wrong.

“What’s your name?” The boy across from him asked quietly, sensing his pent up panic.

“Whizzer, brown, whizzer brown”  
“That’s a kinda stupid name, Whizzer.” The latter said, testing how whizzers name felt in his mouth.  
“Yeah, what’s your name, smart ass?”  
“Marvin”

And then it suddenly felt all too real for Whizzer. The blood rushed out of his face, and it became ashen, pallid with fear, contrasting his normally golden skin.

“I’ve... I’ve gotta go”

His breathing sped up and was now jagged, the air seemingly trapping itself in his throat, not letting the oxygen reach his lungs and bloodstream. He looked down at his bag and reached for the coat he had dropped onto it, fumbling through the pockets.  
“You need any help?”  
Whizzers eyes snapped up to make eye contact with Marvin for the first time, his voice lowered to hiss and a look of pure distaste crossed his face

“No I do not need your help, I do not want anything you have to offer.”  
He finally pulled out a pack of cigarettes from the leather jacket, took one out and stormed out of the door, waving a middle finger in the air as he left.  
He slammed the door behind him, and as soon as he had made it out the door, broke down into silent tears. 

You can always tell when someone is actually sad, or if they’re trying to manipulate you, it all depends on how loud their cries are. Whizzers tears were silent, he didn’t want anyone to know they were there, and as he raced down the corridor, his vision became a wobbling image of grief, and he just continued to move, not sure where he was going.

He came to his senses a few hours later. The sun had set over the horizon, and the previous warmth autumn had brung, turned cool and dark. Whizzer found himself sitting on a bench, the stars lighting his surroundings, staring at the cigarette in his hand, shaking from the cold. He pulled a lighter from his pants pocket and lit it, slowly taking a long draw. His shaking subsided and the tears began to dry in streaks down his face, leaving crusty lines.

“Smoking kills you know”

Whizzer looked up to see a girl with a brown bob and dark skin standing over him. 

“I’m just having a bad day, wanna seat?”, he squished up to sit at one end of the bench, leaving a space for the stranger before placing the cigarette back into his mouth. 

“ thanks, I’m Charlotte”


	8. Charlottie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m very sorry that I’ve been absent
> 
> I’m supposed to be doing my GCSE’s this year, but corona cancelled them so right now, I’m having a mental breakdown because I’ve worked so god damn hard. 
> 
> Anyways I’m back and I would like to make people cry at the end of this so prepare yourself for tragedy aight.

The girl, or ‘Charlotte’ sat down next to him, leaving a comfortable sized gap between them. 

“Whizzer” 

He said, crossing his legs before taking a drag from the cigarette. He glanced over at her, noticing how tense her body language was and held it out. She took it instantly, bringing it to her lips and taking a long inhale and sighing after the nicotine hit her. 

Whizzer chuckled to himself as he watched her desperate actions, thinking of her previous statement. She handed him back the cigarette before thanking him.

“What do you study?” Whizzer asked

“Medicine, I want to be a doctor to save lives” she replied, and small smile on her face, “what about you?”

He let out a snort as she said it

“What are you laughing at?” She asked, “ oh I get it, you’re a stereotypical straight, white, rich guy who believes women, especially woman of colour, shouldn’t have jobs in STEM, well you know what, we can, so shove your attitude up your racist, sexist ass!!” 

Charlotte got up to leave, her eyes flaming in anger.  
“ well then, what do you have to say to ‘redeem’ yourself”  
She placed her hands on her hips, burning through whizzers skull with her stare.

“I was laughing at the irony” He admitted, “a doctor who wants to save lives, smoking”

A wash of realisation flooded her face as she realised what had actually happened, followed by shock.

“I’m not gonna apologise for what i said, but I’m sorry I assumed that you thought that”

“Hey, don’t worry about it” whizzer said, “plus I’m really not rich, or straight, I am white, but there’s really nothing I can do about that, sorry. But I am half Jewish, which has nothing to do with this situation, but I mean we haven’t had the best run historically, and I’m rambling, sorry”

“ no way, I’m a lesbian” she grinned at him, eyes wide. ”I’m in my second year, so I guess you’re new?”

“Yeah I am, I’m Majoring in fashion, but minoring in maths”  
“Huh, so you’re smarter than you look” she stated “because you look like a stereotypical... I’m not even gonna finish that sentence”

Whizzer took a second to realise what she meant. He was wearing over sized acid wash jeans with a belt and a tight black turtle neck. 

“Well I think I look cute, and everyone underestimates me. Sometimes I like it, it’s easier to”, whizzer drew bunny ears in the air, “‘control’ people” 

“No hetero, but you do look cute”

They sat chatting for a solid hour, before a smoky pink dusk began to set over the campus.

“I should probably get back to hell” whizzer sighed, noticing the time that had passed. He got up off the bench and clicked his back.

“Don’t do that, bad for your back” Charlotte chimed ,” also, gimme your phone”  
“What?”  
“My number, lets meet for coffee tomorrow”  
“But why?”  
“Us gays gotta stick together” she smirked as quickly typed her number in, “I’ll see you at 12:00, plus I’m gonna need your help to get ready for the freshers party, I have no style”  
“But you’re not a freshman?”  
“Well cute girls will be there for me to pine over because they’ll probably be straight,I’ll see you later”

And with that, Charlotte bounced off, leaving Whizzer alone, wondering what he’d also wear for it. It took his mind off of the Marvin ‘situation’ for the walk back to his dorm, but his head was already reeling by the time he got back. He was dreading talking to Marvin, he knew he’d have to apologise to him, but he was determined not to befriend him. 

Which would be hard, he was a charmer when he wanted to be. And his smile. His smile made whizzer feel like he was the only person in the world...

“Oh my fucking God” He exclaimed, stopping dead in his tracks. 

For the first time since he made his rules, Whizzer Brown had felt romantic feelings towards someone. Whizzer Brown had imagined himself in a relationship with someone.

“No, no ,no ,no, no, no, no.”

Maybe it was just the way he had been fucked? Surprisingly well for someone so petite and cute. Nope, he couldn’t afford to think that way. He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t noticed the note outside his door, or the way that the door had been locked for a reason...


	9. I’m Gay but not a perv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall ready for me to write about a party next chapter, when I’m always that sober person!! 
> 
> Because I’m not :) 
> 
> Just because i have expensive taste and only really like champagne and very few liquors

“Hi honey, I’m home...”  
Whizzers voice trilled jokingly through the door as he swung it open with much vigour.  
“I’m sorry I took so long I met AHHH SHIT MY EYES”

You could have pinpointed the exact moment everything pieced together in Whizzers mind as his eyes locked onto the boobs of the girl straddling Marvin. For a second he stood there wondering how Marvin had already found a girl to hook up with, and then his mind drifted to wonder if this guy was bisexual... or deeply closeted. He favoured the latter-he just got a vibe. 

“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before” Marvin said, a smirk piercing his words as he lifted up the duvet to let the girl off,  
“Oh don’t mind me,” whizzer replied, shooting a sarcastic smile at Marvin, “I’ll just be leaving now”

Before whizzer could turn and leave, the girl stopped him

“No no, it’s fine,” she stuck out her hand to whizzer, still dressed in nothing, “my name’s Cordelia” 

May I take a brief pause to say PLOT TWIST 

Whizzer, looking unusually uncomfortable compared to his normally composed self, took her hand and loosely shook it. Looking over to Marvin, who looked very displeased to say the least, an idea to irritate him came into his mind...

“Hi, I’m Whizzer, would you like to stay for a cup of tea?”

The constant scowl on Marvin face had turned from one of annoyance to one of ‘if I could make thunderstorms i would have my own rain cloud above your head constantly ruining your hair’, which was sort of what whizzer was going for. In response, whizzer shot him a Cheshire Cat smile, before walking to his suitcase and pulling out a kettle, three mugs and a box of teabags. 

“Damn, you were pretty fuckin prepared weren’t you!” Cordelia laughed as he began to plug the kettle into the wall socket next to his desk, “I was no way near as sorted out as you, this year I was a bit better though” 

“So you’re in your second year, what do you study?”

Cordelia nodded as whizzer glanced over to Marvin, who was pulling his trousers back on. Marvin shot him a look of distain as whizzer mouthed ‘what’ accompanied by a look of feigned confusion and innocence.

“I’m studying hospitality and catering, and Italian” Cordelia replied 

“That’s really cool, what are you planning on doing in the future?” Asked whizzer 

“I want to be a caterer, I’m just learning Italian for the culture, especially since they have some of the best food!” 

It seemed to take forever, but finally, the kettle boiled and whizzer set about making a cup of tea for them all, adding milk and a little sugar to all three. Marvin got up to collect his mug, quickly taking a sip and instantly putting the cup back down.

“When you said tea, you actually meant British tea.” Marvin quipped  
“Yes, what did you think I meant?”whizzer replied, an aura of hurt shrouding his words. 

He began to build up his walls again as a fundamental truth made itself known to him: He couldn’t fuck with Marvin because Marvin would fuck with his emotions, who did whizzer think he was. It was a one night stand, and Marvin had already found a girl, who he didn’t even want to stay for five minutes. Marvin was a fuck boy, but who was whizzer to judge his habits, they mimicked his own. The only noticeable difference was Whizzers caution about never meeting the men again. For him, this was unprecedented, unreal.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it in a rude way, it’s better than the sugary shit they force down your throat at Starbucks!” 

A sincere smile graced Marvin’s face and whizzers walls came tumbling down again

“So Whizzer, what are you studying?” 

Cordelia intervened in the weighted silence that followed. Whizzer was able to drag his eyes off of Marvin to reply to her

“I’m taking fashion and maths”   
“Huh, so you’re smarter than you look”  
“You know, you’re the second person to say that today”  
“Who was the first?” 

Marvin interjected, almost in a jealous manner. 

“Well, she was a med student in her second year... Charlotte”, whizzer turned back to Cordelia, smiling, “You might know her?”

Cordelia suddenly began to fidget, and an obvious air of nervousness surrounded her and she quickly checked her wrist for the time.

“Oh look at that, I’ve got to get going”

She got up from her seat on Whizzers bed and put on her T-shirt and shorts, before hurrying out of the room.

“No I do not know her, and I’m sorry I’m leaving. Got to get an early night for the party tomorrow”  
“Hey, Charlotte’s going too, i’ll introduce you guys”  
“Uh, great, I’ll see you around”

And with that, the hurricane which was Cordelia swept out of the room, leaving the two boys alone, sitting in confusion.

“That was odd.” Marvin pointed out  
“No shit Sherlock, the weirdest part was that she wasn’t even wearing a watch”

Whizzer replied, running back over what had just happened in his head. It didn’t take too long for him to realise that the awkward silence could only be stopped by his apology. He took a deep breath in, and began to tell the truth, something he hadn’t done for a considerable amount of time.

“Look Marvin, I’m so sorry about earlier”  
“It’s fine”  
“No it’s not, I have these rules that I follow, to stay safe and stuff.” Whizzer began to ramble “ and so I’ve never seen anyone who I’ve slept with ever again, and you were the first person who I had and I freaked out.”  
“It really is fine” Marvin said, laughing slightly, “I figured you were mad because I left you on a bathroom floor”  
“Better than where other guys have left me”

Whizzer replied quickly thinking back to more traumatic times. A silence ensued for a few minutes before Marvin broke it again. 

“You maybe want to start over again?” Marvin asked 

“Hi, I’m whizzer, I’m Gay but not a perv”  
“Hi whizzer, I’m Marvin and I’m straight”

Huh. Whizzer was right.


	10. Dead bodies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo I’ve had writers block, which is crazy because I’m an artist not a writer (hit up my tiktok btws) @graciethekay. Anyways, I hope that you’re liking it, I’m also hoping to speed it up in a couple of chapters!!!!!!

It had been at least 3 hours of silence as Marvin lay in bed before he spoke with a small voice.

“Whizzer, are you awake?”

His question was met with a low primal grunt from the man in the other bed, half awake and slightly irritated.

“Why did you say you were gay but not a perv?” 

His question was hit with silence, and again the air began to tense around them.

“Why did you say that you were straight” whizzer said, his tone biting

Whizzer took a deep breath, remembering their bargain of ‘starting over’. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, homophobic jerks would always say I spied on them in the locker rooms or bathrooms because I’m gay, and I didn’t even tell them. To be honest, I wouldn’t have even told you I was If our lives weren’t already hopelessly entangled”

“Why wouldn’t you have told me?”

“Same reason you’re telling me you’re straight.”

“I am straight!”

“No you’re not. No one sleeps with men if they’re not at least interested in them, and you do not look like the experimenting type.”

There was a long silence. With Marvin pondering his next move.

“Whizzer,” his voice was low, almost a whisper and innocent, A dramatic change from the dominant aggressive voice he had only ever heard from him,”you were the first man I slept with”

“Holy shit!” Whizzer bolted upright in his bed, “no fucking way” 

A look of confusion plastered Marvin’s face as he sat up, casting a shadow over his face 

“Oh no, was it that bad?” A hint of worry and desperation flooded his voice and his bottom lip wavered.

“No man, that was one of the best fucks of my life! I like it rough, and holy crap, you gave me rough!”

“How often do you, umm you know, hookup with guys in bars?”

Whizzer chuckled, appreciating the innocence Marvin displayed, it was refreshing.

“Around about once a week, almost every week since I was sixteen. It’s usually either older guys I’ve met off of Grindr or just picking people up from bars, like with you. What about you, how’s your sex life- you seem like a pretty horny guy!”

Marvin blushed slightly, “I made it through the whole schools cheerleading team, excluding the guys”

“You seem pretty deep in the closet, what happened last night, surely you didn’t take it lightly?”

“I ummm, after you and I” Marvin cringed slightly inside, “I drove to another bar, I hooked up with a girl, but she gave me blue balls. When I got here I slept with that girl, ummm”

“Cordelia”

“Right, and now we’re here”

Whizzer felt angry. He had somehow gotten to know one guy, three times. A cocky, arrogant son of a bitch, a man with trust and anger issues, and a sensitive, quiet person who had no idea who he was. This bitch is definitely bi polar, he thought to himself.

And with that he drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, whizzer woke up at 5- a habit he picked up from trying to get home before his mom realised he was gone. He got up quietly as to not disturb the sleeping boy across and rooted around his suitcase for hIs wash bag. Whizzer brown had a pretty vigorous beauty routine, and had perfected it over the years. He silently exited the room, closing the door as slowly as possible, it closed with a click before he strutted down the carpeted floors, bathrobe in hand. 

Whizzer reached the elevator, down the long dwindling corridor and bent over slightly after entering, reading the labels on the buttons to try and find the correct one to get him to the showers. He settled for the first floor, hoping to find someone to help him. He stood back up and waited for the doors to close, wondering what he’d wear to the party, and then he heard a blundering from down the corridor. Whizzer held his head out of the elevator, wondering who would be awake at 5 am on a Saturday morning. 

“Ahh hold the elevator please”

Whizzer quickly put his head back into the door and hit the button, opening the doors that were beginning to close. 

“Oh my lord thank you, oh Whizzer!” 

“Ummm Charlotte, I didn’t know we were in the same living space, also what are you doing awake right now?”

“I could ask you the same question!”

“Old habits die hard, also I wanted to get to the showers early, before anyone else was there.”

“You know you’re going to the wrong floor, also maybe our day can start right now instead of at 12! What do you think?”

Charlotte hit the button to the 3rd floor, a look of excitement gracing her face.

“Of course!!! This will be great, wanna do my facial  
Routine to start the day!”

And so the bonding began for the unlikely pair. One who was perceived as cold and calculating, and the other who would sleep with anyone just to feel something. Yet despite their differences, they were connected by one personality trait, their perseverance, both would go to what ever lengths they could to get the thing they most wanted.

But both would come to admit in time- it would end up being the cause of their greatest downfalls. 

And that both would leave a string of dead bodies 

In closets and in reality


	11. Heart flutters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo, I did a thing...
> 
> I’ve been trying to put off writing the partay chapter, it was meant to be in this one, but then i decided to PROCRASTINATE so I promise, next chapter aight.
> 
> Also hon is my shortened Version of honey. I write it as hon rather than hun so please do not get confused as this has happened a lot.
> 
> Hope yall enjoy

In the end, Marvin had woken up at eleven, before getting dressed and heading to the off campus Starbucks. It was three o’clock when he checked his Rolex and realised that he should probably walk back to his room to get ready before the party started, he was still feeling extremely petty and had a general air of impatience surrounding him, but thinking of the party definitely brightened his mood somewhat.

He put his sunglasses on and left a ten dollar tip on the saucer which his cappuccino was served on. “It’s not my money” he thought to himself as he got up and left. He was still extremely salty at his parents for his non existent send off, but he planned on making them pay, quite literally.

The autumn breeze chopped through the orange leaves and set a chill in Marvin bones as he stepped outside, he had greatly underestimated how cold it would be that morning, and now hugged his leather jacket around him tighter, trying to squeeze every ounce of warmth from it. It was one of those days where the sun was deceiving, and although bright, bitterly cold.

The walk to campus was only a five minute one due to the shivering half walk, half run approach Marvin took to it, he was about to step into the warmth of his building, when his phone started to ring. He got it out and upon seeing the name of the contact, took a sharp, angry breath in.

“Hi Dad”, Marvin’s voice was bitter and infused with rage.

“Marvin, nice to hear from you.”

His fathers loud and brash voice rung out of the phone and Marvin winced, distancing his phone from his ear.

“You called me” he hissed, lowering his voice as several students exited the building. He quickly walked inside, trying to keep this conversation to the shortest length he could.

“Well I wanted to ask where you are?”

Marvin stopped mid step in the middle of the corridor. His breathing became louder and his anger was beginning to show as his voice rose.

“You fucking forgot about me leaving for college!”

It was at this moment his Dad knew he had messed up

“Um yes well...”  
“Save it Dad”  
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce, but I’ve transferred you some money into your bank account”

Marvin recognised this move before. His Father was deflecting, a technique Marvin had also mastered. 

“What the actual fuck Dad, why? You can’t just drop a bomb like that!”  
“ I’ve transferred you ten thousand dollars, hope that’s enough. Talk later”

He began to protest into his phone but was left with silence and static at the other end of the line. Of course, another classic move by him. He sighed and put his phone down, entering the building and walking to the lift.

The elevator doors had just shut when he received a text,

“Your father and I are getting a divorce, he cheated on me with some whore.”

To most people, the breaking up of their family would be the start of a downwards spiral, plunging them into awkward conversations, getting stuck in the middle of arguments, but Marvin saw this as an opportunity. He bore a smug, cocky smile and began to think. His Dad had already tried to buy him off, 10k was in his bank account and he was definitely not going to be a broke college student. All he had to do, was manipulate the situation ever so slightly and he would be thriving.

By the time Marvin had reached his dorm, he had a game plan sorted out, he knew exactly how to extort his father, he was ten thousand dollars richer and he was feeling elite. He opened the door and suddenly stopped, mouth hanging slightly open at the view.

In front of him was a certain Whizzer Brown, topless, holding up two shirts to a full length mirror he had somehow managed to magic up, comparing them to see which one matched his outfit while Charlotte tried applying makeup, sitting crossed legged in front of him.

At the sound of the door opening, the pair’s heads darted round and upon seeing Marvin, both had varying facial expressions. Whizzers look of shock had turned into a smirk as he saw Marvin’s dropped jaw, but he quickly looked away to hide his blush. On the other hand, Charlotte looked completely bewildered, sporting half a face of blue eyeshadow and incredibly flustered sitting there in her bra.

Marvin quickly picked his jaw up off the floor and pretended not to feel the flutter in his heart as he watched whizzer choose one of the shirts and put it on.

“Marvin, this is Charlotte.”

Charlotte waved at his reflection in the mirror and he did an awkward half smile white folks do when they see someone they don’t really know in the street

“Um whizzer”

All of Marvin’s ‘eliteness’ had vanished after seeing Whizzer In his ‘state’ and he had suddenly become very nervous

“Yes hon?”

Whizzer has been applying mascara and seemingly was not concentrating on what he was saying. 

“You said you were doing fashion, so um I wondered if you could pick an outfit out for me please?”

Whizzer suddenly became so excited that he almost poked his eye out with the mascara.

“Of Course! Where are your clothes?”

Marvin chucked whizzer to his suitcase and gave him free rain to do whatever he wanted after several minutes of searching, Whizzer let out a squawking noise that sent a concentrated Charlotte flying across the room.

“Holy Moses! Marvin you are fucking rich, is this an original Christian Dior piece?”

Whizzer held up a white polo neck jumper as though it was made of glass. Upon it were hand embroidered cherry blossom branches, creating an oriental feel.

“I don’t know, my mum got it and it’s comfy”

“ YOU DIDN’T EVEN HANG IT UP, THIS IS WORTH TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN COLLECTORS CONDITION”

“Oh” 

After whizzer was done scorning Marvin and picking out an outfit for him, it was well past six and Charlotte had long since left. They hung out until ten ish, and decided it would be time for them to leave for the party. It was a short walk away, and they ended up following the sound of loud music and general rowdy ness and before to long, arrived at the extremely busy house. 

“This is why I’m here” 

Whizzer said, letting out a sigh of fulfilment as they stood in front of it, he turned to Marvin, his eyes sparkling.

“You ready?”

Marvin flushed a soft pink at the sight of the well dressed man next to him...

“Yeah.”


	12. “If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a mental breakdown”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to take the time to thank everyone who is actually reading this. I thought maybe 7 people would read this but WOW Over 500 reads!! Thank you for all of the support, I wouldn’t still be writing this if it wasn’t for you guys!!
> 
> Also sorry but this is not some of my finest work

It took whizzer five beers before he could convince an almost as drunk Marvin to join him on the dance floor. Whizzer all but physically dragged him too the centre of the room and twirled him around in a circle and they danced to the ear pounding music, miss hearing each other over the noise. 

Marvin began noticing the little things about whizzer, the way he wouldn’t stoop down if he couldn’t hear something Marvin said, how the sweat made him glow in the low lighting, how his usually perfect hair would stick to his forehead and In marvin’s opinion, looked so much better.

“I see Cordelia” Whizzer shouted over the loud music and Marvin was pulled out of his ‘admiration’ dream state as Whizzer was lost in the crowd of people. 

Marvin was left alone in the middle of the room, confused. He sidled into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of something smelling suspiciously like nail varnish remover and taking a swig before leaning back against a cabinet, a couple next to him making out. 

“Marvin?”

“Yu huh?” Marvin looked up from his drink at the person who entered the room “MENDEL”

In front of him stood his short, wiry friend from high school, looking at a shitfaced Marvin with an air of disgust. 

“Classic, we all knew you’d be the one like this, alone, drunk,or trying to get into someone’s pants”

“Jokes on you because…” Marvin turned and threw up in the kitchen sink that was behind him, wiping it away from the corner of his mouth “because I came with a friend, who I’ve lost”

“Come on, let’s find somewhere quieter to talk”

Mendel led a slightly swaying Marvin up to the stairs and sat him down on the top one, before trying to converse with him.

“You know you’re right Mendel.”  
Marvin enunciated, a hint of sadness in his voice

“About what?”

Marvin sighed   
“When I was driving down, you said I need to grow up and find commitment”  
“You know I’m always right Marvin”

Mendel sat down next to him, giving him a reassuring smile and surveyed the scene downstairs.

“So, who’s the lady?”  
“Who?”  
“The ‘friend’” Mendel drew little bunny ears in the air, “you came with”

Marvin all but spat his drink out 

“I came with a… a friend?!”

There was a brief awkward silence for a moment as they felt the society’s pressures pushing down on them. Then Marvin took a deep breath, the feeling of sickness rising as he thought out what he was about to say.

“Mendel, I think I’m bi, or gay or something,”

He looked down the stairs quickly to avoid Mendel’s stare, only to see whizzer, dancing with another man, slightly too close for his liking.

“Really? You just, seem so confident in yourself”   
“I’m so confused, i had sex with… someone of the same sex, and now I think I like him.”

Mendel literally fell down a step in his surprise and looked up at Marvin in shock. 

“No fucking way, also who topped, also way too much information man”

“Yes fucking way, I topped and I don’t care what you think”

That was a huge lie of course, he cared so much about what everyone thought, he was meant to be ‘popular’ and he was so used to that crown that he wouldn’t know what to do if he lost it. He took a long drink, and coughed a little as some of it went the wrong way, and at the fierce taste it left in his mouth.

“I think I like him, but I’m not sure”  
“Well I think, you should go for it, if he makes you happy you shouldn’t care about other people’s opinions.”   
“He isn’t into relationships, he’s never even had sex with the same person twice”

Mendel sighed slightly as he replied,

“I can’t help you with that, sorry”

Marvin pouted a bit, and looked down the stairs, noticing Whizzer making out with someone who he thought was sadly not him. He downed the rest of the bottle, got up and staggered around to face Mendel, putting a clumsy hand in his shoulder.

“You know, you should be a psychiatrist, you’re good at advice”

“ Marvin, I’ve told you that I’ve wanted to be one so many times, that’s why I’m studying psychology you idiot”

The rest of the night seemed to be over in a flash in his intoxicated state and before he knew it, he was blackout drunk, knowing nothing of what was, or had happened. 

The late afternoon sunlight streamed through the windows in the room, pasting the shadows of its panes on the sleeping face of Whizzer who was beginning to stir from his deep slumber. As he began to resurface to consciousness , he started noticing things, like how the curtains were obviously open, and that someone’s arms were around him. His eyes snapped open, as he realised he was being spooned by someone, and quickly, he sat up, ripping himself from their grasp.

Upon sitting up, he was met with the worst hangover of his life, every tiny noise was magnified to a hundred times its usual sound and his head was pounding harder than a drum. He turned to see who the guy was next to him, but the shock of who it was caused him to fall off of the bed, a loud frenzy of sound following and just like that he was on his ass on the floor!

“Holy shit, are you alright?”  
“Do you think I’m alright Marvin? Shut your loud ass face!”

Marvin took a second to look a disgruntled Whizzer up and down, before realising that he was definitely not okay. Then a terrified look crossed his face.

“Wait, did we?”

Whizzer looked extremely confused

“Did we, yknow?”

“Still not with you bud”  
“Did we fuck?”

Whizzer paused for a second, still ever so slightly drunk, surveying the scene in front of him 

“Judging from the pain in my ass, I’m guessing so, although I can’t remember anything.”

“Maybe also judging from the fact that we’re both stark naked”

“Maybe judging from that too, now If you’ll excuse me,” An entirely naked whizzer got up from the floor and quickly got changed, grabbing a cigarette from his shirt pocket,  
“I’m going to go have a mental breakdown, bye now”

He had almost made it to the door before Marvin called out.  
“Wait! whizzer”  
“What?”  
“Does it hurt to bottom?”

“Hurts like a bitch”

And with a dramatic flourish Whizzer exited the room leaving Marvin in a strangers house, alone and not ready to do the walk of shame.


	13. Social media has created jealous behaviour over illusions, but sadly some are envious over non-materialistic things like relationships and lifestyles that don’t even exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You could say this is a filler chapter, but I personally would call it character building.
> 
> This chapter title hits close to home for me, I’ve always had issues with body confidence. The thing is, I’ve always been slim growing up and people would constantly shame me for being ‘skinny’ and I guess I just began to listen to them. I’ve always looked at people’s pictures on Instagram and thought, I want to look like them. 
> 
> so I can’t wear crop tops or bikinis 
> 
> But remember this, the photos are taken on days where people feel confident, when they look their best. You should not bring other people’s confidence down because you are jealous of what they have. You should celebrate the fact that you are yourself, and that whether you are happy or not, there is always something you can do to be healthier. That doesn’t mean you need to lose or gain weight, THAT MEANS THAT YOU CAN EAT MORE VEGETABLES AND PUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH FIRST. 
> 
> In this time of uncertainty, just feel happy to be alive, and seize every opportunity that you can.

It had been almost a week since the party and whizzer was beginning to return to his normal self around Marvin. 

In the end, Marvin didn’t face the ‘walk of shame’ instead he jumped, well actually fell, out of the first storey window. Then limped to the nearest coffee shop and tried to relieve his hangover, drinking about four coffees before wandering around campus. He ended up standing in front of the bench with Whizzer sitting there, his head in his hands, and a cigarette dangling from his long, elegant fingers. 

It kind of turned Marvin on.

“You smoke?”  
“You’re a stalker?”  
An irritated whizzer retorted.

And there they were, the walls that stopped whizzer from ever opening up to people. It was difficult for him, he was a hopeless romantic with commitment issues and he often scoffed about that fact saying that “there were no novels written with that plot, everyone seems to get their Prince Charming”

“No I don’t smoke, only when-,” Whizzer took a long drag from the cigarette, blowing a small smoke halo into the sky “-It doesn’t matter”  
“Oh I get you, when you get the urge, because you’re a smoker” Marvin replied, a condescending edge lacing his voice.  
“No, when I have a panic attack, moron”

There was a heavy silence, so charged a single spark would make it explode. And for once, Marvin noticed it and decided to leave Whizzer alone.

It took a while for Whizzer to stop acting awkward around him, Marvin didn’t understand why until the conversation he had with Mendel the night of the party surfaced into his memories.

“He’s never had sex with the same person twice”

And that was what led him to the realisation that he was the exception, so instead of trying to talk to Whizzer, he just observed him and noticed some of his habits.

As it turned out, Whizzer had many habits. Every morning, he would excuse himself to take a long shower, then drink tea. Marvin had learnt not to speak to Whizzer until he had drunk his tea. He also noticed that Whizzer would check his phone instantly after he got a notification, but he would hardly ever actually reply, instead he would continue with what he was doing. Exactly ten minutes later he would stop and get out his phone, replying to whatever he had received. 

And then Marvin noticed the final obvious thing. Almost every night, Whizzer would go out late, some mornings he would see him sleeping in his bed, and wondered what time he got back. Other times Whizzer would return in the morning while Marvin was getting ready. Sometimes he came back with a slight limp, a couple of times he came back very hoarse and other times he would complain of ‘sore or bruised knees’, which took a while for an oblivious Marvin to understand, but one fact was unanimous, he would always return in the previous nights clothes.

And finally Marvin pieced two and two together. At first he felt great full that Whizzer wasn’t bringing anyone to the dorms for two reasons. 

1\. It made him feel uncomfortable to see guys fucking.  
2\. Whizzer was loud.

Whizzer was extremely loud, he would moan, unashamed of his volume, sometimes he would yell commands along the lines of “faster” or “harder”. His distinctive voice resonating loudly throughout any room, big or small. Whizzer was also a screamer. 

And just thinking about it made Marvin hard.

But as Marvin pondered on the thoughts of Whizzer out with a new guy every night, the jealousy began to bubble up inside him, pulling his heart towards his deepest desire and longing, which just so happened to be the one thing he would never be able to get in his life. And he always got everything. His parents would buy him the latest toys when he was a child, the latest clothes when he was a teen and the latest cars as an adult, but they were all materialistic, they didn’t complete him.

Social media has created jealous behaviour over illusions, but sadly some are envious over non-materialistic things like relationships and lifestyles that don’t even exist. 

And that was Marvin’s issue, he was jealous over relationships that Whizzer didn’t actually have.

To take his mind off of his jealousy, he retorted by picking up several girls and taking them to the dorms. Once Whizzer walked in on him, naked while Cordelia was on her hands and knees, Marvin fucking her from behind. He didn’t stop when Whizzer opened the door, just looked straight into his eyes, filled with lust and jealousy. 

If you’d have asked Marvin why he didn’t stop, he’d say it was because he was ‘just getting to the good part’ but deep down inside he knew it was to make Whizzer as jealous as he was. To show whizzer what he was missing. 

He thought that it didn’t exactly work out because Whizzer walked straight back out and sat in the corridor in his phone, waiting for Marvin to finish. But what Whizzer would never admit to anyone was that as soon as he closed the door he bit his lip, imagining he was Cordelia…

Which prompted his trousers to tighten almost instantly and he became flustered, blushing a deep red as he tried to ease his ‘situation’. He told himself to think ‘straight thoughts’ but found it very difficult to get Marvin out of his head.

Marvin met new girls, but always seemed to go back to Cordelia, he didn’t know why, he just had a sense of familiarity and relatability to her, almost like they were both going through something and needed an escape from reality. But during sex he was hardly ever ‘present’. 

Sometimes he would imagine Whizzer in the girls’ place, as he tried to shake the image out of his head, Imaginary Whizzer would start scolding him.

“Get out of my head!”  
“Only when you admit you like me!” 

Whizzers sing song voice would dance through his head, echoing and repeating over and over again as he would get consistently more and more irritated.

“I said LEAVE!”  
“Only when you admit you’re gay!”

But every time Marvin thought about the fact that he could actually be gay he felt a pit at the bottom of his stomach, his face would turn pale and his head would turn backflips as he pondered the matter. Sometimes he would actually throw up, reaching a window, bin or toilet as fast as he could to prevent anyone from knowing about it. He would throw up until he got to the point where he felt like he just couldn’t stop, and he began to dry wretch, painful gasps of air accompanying each jolt in his body. After he finished he would just sink to the floor, shoulders shaking and silently tears would stream down his face from the dryness of his lips and the acrid bitter taste in his throat.

Telling himself that of course he wasn’t gay, but it didn’t help.

He was glad when the day before classes came and he could begin orientation, he decided to use as a distraction from his personality crisis.

“Marv, I never asked what you were studying?”  
A slightly too energetic whizzer asked Marvin as they headed to the main hall ready for an induction assembly

“Marvin and Law and Maths.”

It had been a difficult morning for Marvin, he had woken up to everything spinning , the wall around him swirling and dipping and the floor bending. His head was pounding sending quick sharp spikes of pain through his body and behind his eyelids. His body had a slick sheen of sweat covering it and he shook with fatigue. All of that was from a nightmare about him telling his parents he was gay when he wasn’t even sure he was. 

“Maybe we’ll be in the same maths class!”  
“Maybe.”

His voice sounded dull and uninterested, but deep down inside, Marvin felt a flutter of hope that maybe, just maybe, he could someday be more than friends with Whizzer Brown.


	14. ... I murdered someone last night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made my 9y/o sister watch falsettos with me. 
> 
> She cried, I cried.
> 
> I had to teach her what AIDS was after she thought it was about the coronavirus. 
> 
> Awkward convo, didn’t really explain why it was mainly contracted by gay men, but hey ho. 
> 
> This chapter isn’t great but whatevs

Whizzer talked at Marvin up the two flights of stairs in excitement as they reached the stands overlooking the large hall. 

“… I’m just looking forward to my timetable and…”  
Whizzer seemed to be vibrating from excitement.

“Uh huh” a very distracted Marvin replied.

“… I murdered someone last night.” 

“Cool cool cool” 

Whizzer poked Marvin in the arm as they sat down,

“What’s up? Why are you so distant?”

A dazed Marvin looked up at him, confused, before quickly turning his view back to his left side.

“Marvin, what are you staring at?” He hissed  
“That girl, who is she?”

Marvin made a subtle point a few rows down, Whizzer followed his gesture to see a beautiful Woman. Her mid length hair slightly curled at the bottom bouncing as she laughed to the girl next to her. Her eyes crinkled as she smiled and she gave the impression of innocence and naivety to those watching her. Even Whizzer could admit that she was beautiful but he felt a slight pang of sadness seeing Marvin stare at her with almost his tongue hanging out. 

Suddenly, out of no where a short, curly haired boy appeared.

“That’s Trina, she went to my high school-”   
He leant over an unblinking Marvin and stuck his hand out at Whizzer  
“- hi, I’m Mendel, Marvin’s friend”

“Hi, Whizzer! It’s nice to meet you.”

Mendel opened his mouth to reply, but quickly shut it again as the static of the microphone below them turned into a high pitched squeal sending a collective wince through the audience. The dean took his place on the platform ready to address the students but Whizzer was too distracted to listen. He was focused on watching Marvin fall in love in front of his eyes and before he knew it, everyone was leaving the hall.

“Don’t wait for me, I’m getting that girls number.”

“Bit confident there Marv” whizzer laughed as the painful ache in his chest grew.

Marvin whipped around to look Whizzer straight in the eyes. Even though the boy was half a foot shorter than him, the look seemed to be a cross between “you have no idea what you’re talking about” and “you can call me daddy while I choke you”. Whizzer instantly swallowed as Marvin looked away brushing his hand across his abdomen in a desperate attempt to calm himself. Before leaving Marvin alone. 

“Oh my god, you’re the guy!” Mendel exclaimed as soon as they were out of Marvin’s earshot.

“Excuse me?” A confused look washed over Whizzers flustered face as he picked up the speed he was walking at.

“Marvin said he had sex with a guy! That’s obviously you.” 

Whizzer didn’t reply, but the sudden rush of blood to his face told Mendel exactly what he needed to know. 

“Did he say anything about me?”  
“Ask me in a couple of months.”  
“What! Now I’m curious.”

But Mendel just disappeared Into the crowd of people all heading to the tables out the front of the hall to get their induction paperwork. Whizzer waited patiently in line, looking at the people around him, wondering where they came from, or what they were studying. Finally it was his turn.

“Name”  
“Whizzer Brown”

He was quickly handed a map and a small notebook, along with several booklets and prospectuses, containing information about the school, classes and clubs. 

“This is your timetable, if you lose it, get another one from student services”  
“Thank you!” 

His voice cracked from excitement and he tried to get out of other people’s way as he left the hall, wondering where he was going to go next. He ended up just wandering around for several minutes before he saw a coffee shop, and quickly headed inside. He ordered and sat down, looking through all of the material they gave him.

He thought about joining some of the clubs, but realised they weren’t really his scene so he asked for the bill, putting his card down once they brought it.

“I’m sorry sir, but your card seems to have been declined.” The waitress serving him said, a sympathetic look crossing her face.

Whizzer looked confused for a few seconds before realising that before he came to college, he had given his mom as much help with the rent as possible.

“Oh I’m so sorry, I’m sure I have some change-“  
He rooted through his pockets and found about four dollars “- is this enough” he began to get flustered 

“I’m really sorry but you’re a dollar short.” Her voice trickled with her sympathy, and understanding. 

“What am I going to do, um, I’ll go home and grab another dollar and…”

“No it’s alright, I’ll use some of my tips to pay”  
“No really that’s…”   
“No-“ her voice was firm “- I’m paying for you, don’t let your ‘masculinity’ get in the way” 

Whizzer was taken aback for a second, and pondered if his masculinity was toxic, he was not the most Masculine person out there. Of course his mother taught him that he should always pay for a girls meal, he had only ever gone on three dates ever and was extremely polite on all of them, but that was before he came out. 

“Thank you so much, do you know anywhere that’s hiring near the college?”

“I believe we are!! I’m Joanna by the way, I’m at the college, second year.”

Whizzer felt relief wash over him and for the first time in a week he actually took into account how poor he was. He really forgot about money in his whole mental breakdown thing he had going. He realised that he had to take better care of himself if he wanted to make it anywhere other than six foot under.

“Thank you so much, I really appreciate this. I’m Whizzer Brown!”

“Alright Whizzer Brown, why don’t you come in Monday after your classes and we’ll work out your shifts!”

He left the Coffee shop feeling excited about the week ahead of him and enjoyed the fresh air on his walk back to his new home. Trying to forget about why he felt uneasy and how his heart still hurt slightly. 

He started thinking to himself about the situation he found himself in, sleeping with Marvin twice, and he realised he needed to grow up, and stop acting like a child. He had broken his rules, but you know what, that is okay. He would have only broken them if something important had made him do it. 

“Holy shit” 

He stopped dead in his tracks as he realised the real reason he had had sex with Marvin twice:

He liked him, and not in a small teenage crush way! In a ‘you know what, I’d never be able to live with myself if I didn’t tell you’ kind of way. He picked up the pace of his walk, but ended up jogging to reach the dorms, ready to talk to Marvin. 

He wasn’t scared anymore and by the time he reached their door his nerves were almost entirely gone. He flung the door open, a large smile on his face and his hair out of place.

“Marvin I need to tell you something…”


	15. Excerpts from a Doctor: 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is short, it’s a sort of interim chapter, but I love this idea. 
> 
> Also when I went to sleep last night I had an excellent idea for my second story so (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

Medical Journal of Dr Mendel Weisenbachfeld 

I recognised it, the same look. Whizzer watched Marvin the way I watched Trina. 

When he asked about what Marvin told me, I could not tell him. Maybe it would have turned out differently if I did. 

Marvin was drunk, and they say alcohol is like a truth serum so I guessed that what Marvin told me was too personal for me to tell. It’s Marvin’s truth he should be the one to speak it. 

He had conflicting feelings, which seems about right considering the fact that he was questioning his sexuality. 

He said Whizzer made him feel smart, I thought I understood what that meant until I met him. Marvin described him as a pretty boy with no substance. Someone who only cares about their appearance. But the Whizzer I met seemed to defy everything Marvin told me. 

He said Whizzer could be sweet, but mean and I recognised this from Marvin’s character, he was describing himself as Whizzer. It took me a second to understand why he was making Whizzer a reflection of himself, but it helped him justify sleeping with him in the first place. It also was a subconscious attempt at flirting, the brain tends to want to mimic the person they are attracted to, Marvin wanted whizzer to mimic him whether he did or not, I will never know, we were never that close.

He is sometimes worthless, that was what Marvin told me. That was the first statement I agreed with, Whizzer seemed to have very little self worth. That’s probably not the way Marvin meant it, but to some extent he was right.

And even now, over 20 years later I remember thinking that about Whizzer every time I conversed with him, although looking back now, he seemed to be the sane one out of all of us. He was confident, open, sex positive yet the rest of us acted as if that was a bad thing. But he did not realise how important he was to anyone, Which explains part of why he did it. 

It also explained why Marvin loved, no loves him. I asked him once if he loved him, he said “sorta kinda”. It is a powerful thing love, it can be blind, it can tell a million stories, but it can also be deceitful and cruel. I discussed love with him after he got married, he told me that he found love crazy, often boring and that it is pretty often debris. 

I myself did not understand that, I never married, my work is far to important, although upon mentioning dating with Marvin he asked whether my work was just an alibi.

In someways he did my job better than I myself did.


	16. The chess game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I very much love this chapter
> 
> That’s all I’m gonna say

“Marvin I need to tell you something” 

His smile fell instantly and Whizzers heart dropped into his stomach as his eyes danced across the room straight into the curious eyes of Trina.

“what are you doing?” 

Whizzer voice was shaky and strained, he felt prickles behind his eyes and concentrated hard on trying not to let the moistness become tears.

Marvin and Trina were sat on the floor a chess board between them, Marvin delicately holding Trina’s outstretched fingers over a pawn on her side, showing her where to move it.

“Just teaching Trina how to play chess.”   
“Hi, I’m Whizzer,” 

His tone became icy and sharp. 

“, it’s nice to meet you” 

Sometimes a person feels so much that they begin to feel nothing. Whizzer realised that this was different, usually Marvin would be in bed with the girl already. Instead he was being gentle with her, holding her hand lightly not digging his nails into her wrist like he had with Whizzer several times before. He subconsciously began to rub his wrist, tracing the pattern of the small crescents that were beginning to fade. 

“It’s lovely to meet you too!”

The optimism and positivity in her voice was sickening to whizzer and he bolted out of the door, quickly falling to the floor, he was the one being used like all the other girls before Trina. If Marvin cared about him he would be gentle, soft, sweet, but no, he was cruel and mean. He could not get up, he just sat there while his whole body trembled and he could feel his heart breaking and bring on the emptiness in its position. He began to tear up, feeling them trickle down his face urging him to scream forever, but he was too tired. 

“Are you alright?”

Kind people are not born kind, they do not just suddenly decide one day to be kind either. Kind people are kind because they know firsthand that life is not. They are the people who act like they do not need any themselves yet are the ones who need it the most. And those thoughts were the ones that forced Whizzer to look up from his curled up position on the floor to the genuinely sympathetic face of Trina.

“I’m fine.”

His voice was softer than before and he even managed a small smile at her.

She knelt down next to him and helped him to sit up.

“What’s actually wrong?”  
“I just… my card was declined and I don’t have any money so I have to find a job and I just got a bit stressed out.”   
It was the only excuse he could muster, and he felt as though the lie could not fool anyone. He avoided her gaze that seemed to see straight through him and held his breath hoping that she would leave him alone. 

“Don’t worry, I am too” 

She pulled Whizzer into a hug and even though they had just met and she had stolen the person he liked out from under him, everything did not seem too bad. After what could have been seconds but felt like minutes she let go, put her hands on his shoulders looking at him straight in the eyes and said as firmly as possible,

“Everything will be alright”

As enemies go, whizzer thought to himself, Trina was not so bad. 

She wrote her phone number down on his wrist and told him to phone if he ever needed a friend then she left, walking down the corridor before stopping at the end and opening the door to her room, waving at Whizzer before leaving his vision. 

He plastered a fake smile on his face and pushed open his door seeing Marvin packing up the chess game.

“Hey, why don’t we play a game?”  
“What, chess?”  
“Sure.”

Whizzer sat down, taking Trina’s place on the white side and Marvin sat opposite him. The air was thick with the threat of sex as the pair looked at one another across the board. 

Marvin pointed out the separate pieces on the board telling Whizzer what they each were,

“That’s the king, you’ve got to protect him.”  
“Yes I know.”

Whizzer looked down at his pieces, stretching his hand out ready to pick up a bishop, his fingers were almost touching it when Marvin made a noise of protest and Whizzer looked up at him, quickly withdrawing his hand from the piece. He took a second, contemplating the move he would make when Marvin interrupted 

“Play the game”   
“Please don’t watch me, I can do it!”  
“Sure”

He quickly moved the queen forward.

“Shit. I blew it” 

“Do you want my help?”  
“No I don’t, I can think it through myself”  
“Start again, we’ve seen the worse”

Whizzer replaced the Queen, and looked over his board, wiping his hands on his trousers as he thought over his move.

“Move a pawn”

Whizzer took on a flirting tone as he looked up at Marvin,   
“No sir”  
“Move a pawn”  
“Nope”   
“Move a pawn”  
“Move a who?” 

Marvin’s short temper was beginning to flail and Whizzer quickly moved a pawn, staring into Marvin’s eyes as he did so, one eyebrow raised in a “bring it on” gesture. 

“Good first move”  
“Quite alright, it’s your go”

The game continued in a swifter fashion than the first move, Whizzer matching the skill that Marvin had, surprising him with his witty ness. 

“Do you like Games Marv?”  
“Marvin and yes, why? 

Whizzer moved his knight across the board smirking down at Marvin.

“How about we play a little game.”  
“We’re literally playing chess right now”  
“No, I mean a game with real stakes”

Marvin moved a pawn, in retaliation and sat back on his heels, a look of confusion crossing his face. 

“I’m in. What is it?”  
“Let’s flirt, let’s fight, let’s talk. Let us spend all day together, let’s tell each other good morning and goodnight-”

Whizzer moved his King, showing his dominance.

“-Let’s go on long walks together, give each other nicknames, let’s hold each other.”

Marvin moved a pawn, a look of submission falling over his face for a second before he regained his composure. 

“How do you lose?”

“The first one who gives in to have sex with the other,“ Whizzers tone was gravelly and deep, unlike his usually lyrical voice ”,or who ever falls in love first, they’re the loser.”

“And what happens if you win?”

“If I win, I get to top, if you win…”  
“Whatever I want”  
“Fine, since I’ll win”

Marvin quickly played his queen, checkmating Whizzers King. Then he put his hand out over the board, ready to shake on the deal, but whizzer had different plans. He pulled Marvin to a standing position by his outstretched hand.

He stepped towards Marvin and could feel his breath on his neck, tickling him ever so slightly and took Marvin’s chin daintily in his hand, tilting it up and kissed him, deep and passionately, but just long enough to leave him wanting more. He tugged on Marvin’s dick and broke the kiss, instantly leaving the room leaving Marvin with his mouth hanging open. He was half way down the corridor when Marvin broke from his state of shock and quickly chased him, bellowing:

“Winning is everything to me!”  
“Nothing is everything to me… well except sex.” 

His remark left Marvin standing there, ogling at him as Whizzer stepped into the Elevator, winking as the doors closed.


	17. Two can play at this game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk anything Rn 
> 
> It’s been difficult to write so this took a while

The weekend fled by in a series of gestures, games and teasing and all too quickly came the first day of school. 

As soon as the elevator doors had closed on Whizzer, he began to silently celebrate his victory, jumping up and down as the lift plummeted down, making him feel slightly sick. He raced out of its doors, skidding down the carpet floors and screeched to a halt at the door marked 11. Whizzer burst into the room without bothering to knock, yelling out

“I fucking did it”

Charlotte was sitting on her bed, phone in hand, bored out of her mind, as he said his piece a huge smile lit up her face as she jumped up to celebrate with him.

“YOU ASKED THE GUY OUT!”  
“No, I kissed him but same thing!”

They danced until the sun began to set before Charlottes room mate kicked him out. He shot his middle finger up at her before he left and went back to his dorm spirits high.

Over the weekend both boys made several moves on the metaphorical board of their new game. Marvin had put candles all around their room and had ordered a high class Thai take out for the pair to eat. Whizzer was mainly grateful for the fact that he was actually able to eat real food, he hadn’t had a full meal since his first night and had no money to buy anything so he was stuck with cheap salads or sandwiches and had skipped breakfast for just as long. 

It was Saturday evening when Whizzer decided not to go out but instead watch Netflix on his small phone screen. It was a comforting as it reminded him so much of home. Marvin was out drinking with Mendel at the closest bar so he was left alone, laying in bed. Several hours later a stumbling Marvin entered.

“What’re you watching?”   
His words slurred as he staggered to the bedside.  
“Sherlock-“ whizzer pulled half of the duvet up-“want to join me?”

Marvin struggled into the small bed, clumsy in his intoxicated state.

“You know, if I had to fake my death, I’d do it like Sherlock.” Whizzer said

“How’s that?”

“He jumps off of a building. If you timed it right, the light could blind the person watching and you could get away with wearing a bungee chord”

Whizzer turned to look down at Marvin, but he was already asleep, one leg around him and his arms hugging him tightly and for a second Whizzer wondered if he should just quit the game right then and there. His face was worry free and for the first time in several days he was smiling. 

“Damn it, he’s cute” 

Whizzer leant down and softly kissed his forehead, stroking his hair slightly in the process before laying down and falling into a dreamless sleep. 

Peace at last.

Monday morning was difficult for Whizzer to get out of bed, his body seemed to know it was the first day of college and did not want him to get up. His alarm blared through their apartment and he quickly set it to snooze, going straight back to sleep but just five minutes later it played again, the loud beeping hurting his eardrums.

“Fuck”

Whizzer moaned into his pillow, his voice low and dry. He sat up in his bed, using all of his energy to do so, putting his middle finger up at his phone.

“Suck my dick”  
“Giving up so soon, because I would be down!”

Marvin replied, leaning against the opposite wall sipping his coffee out of one of Whizzers mugs. 

“Oh so you’re watching me sleep now?”  
“You’re cute when you sleep, looks like the world no longer weighs down on you”  
“Well the world does weigh down on me-“ whizzer got up and began to get changed, slipping into a mint green shirt-“ you know my fucking card got declined the other day so I had to find another job”  
“Another job?”   
“I’ve worked two jobs at the same time since I was seventeen.”

He pulled up a pair of jeans, buckled his belt and bent over rolling up his cuffs and pulling up his white nike socks that he thrifted. 

“Not quite right-“ he did a spin in the full length mirror, noticing how his stomach was slightly too rounded for his liking and he legs were way too long. As he stood, one hip popped and his hand slowly caressing his stomach, scrunching his eyebrows at the image he saw in the mirror, he noticed Marvin staring back at him, a soft smile on his face. “- what’s wrong with my outfit Marv?”

“marv fucking in, and I don’t know, put on a sweater or something!”  
“The is the shittiest idea I have ever heard-“ he laughed, looking through the closet. He pulled out a black jumper, putting it on over the shirt so that his collar was sticking out of the top.-“ on second thoughts, this is cute”

“Yeah,” Marvin said before his voice became soft and quiet,” really cute”  
“What was that?”  
“Oh I asked what time you class started?”

Whizzer looked at his phone before having a small heart attack as he realised his introduction to fashion design was in five minutes and he didn’t know where he was meant to go. He grabbed his bag and ran full pelt out the door. 

“I guess now” 

Whizzer made it to class just in time. He sat down in the first spot he could as the professor entered seconds after he did.

“Whizzer?”  
“Trina, hi!”  
“You take this class?”  
“Uh huh!”

Whizzer mentally sighed. It was not like he did not like Trina, it was just the fact that he knew that Marvin liked her a little too much. But class with her was actually a lot more enjoyable than expected, and although it was only the first one, they were given a project to work on with there partners outside of class due in several weeks. Trina walked Whizzer to his next class as they discussed when they would meet for it.

“I can’t really do after schools because I have my job but I think we can do free periods and maybe Saturday?”  
“Oh I can’t do Saturday, I have a date!”

Trina blushed slightly as she said it, smiling at whizzer.

“Oooooh, who’s the lucky guy?”  
“Marvin”

The smile dropped from Whizzers face as he heard his name. 

“Oh well this is my class, I’ll see you later.”

He ducked into the maths classroom, taking deep breaths as he tried to calm himself. He walked to the front of the room, checking the seating plan. 

“Oh my God, you’ve got to be kidding me!”  
“WHIZZER”

Whizzer almost died right there and then as he saw Marvin waving like a maniac with a devilish grin on his face. He sighed and braved it, walking up through the lecture theatre to sit next to Marvin.

“Marvin”  
“How was class?”  
“Better than this will be.”

The class started and Whizzer was bored out of his mind. They went through the curriculum and the professor started asking questions. Marvin was in awe of whizzer. He muttered the answers under his breath as he wrote out his notes. Marvin just sat back, chewing his pen lid and admiring him. Suddenly a smug smiled graced his face, as and idea came to mind. Marvin slowly put his hand on whizzers leg, It did not even faze whizzer and he quickly picked up marvin’s hand and placed it back on his own leg. But Marvin persisted and for the second time put his hand on his leg again. Whizzer repeated his previous actions, clenching his jaw in annoyance. And then he placed it on his leg, this time Whizzer left it, he was too busy concentrating on the lesson, and that’s when Marvin started stoking his leg, trailing his fingers from his knee up to his groin. 

“Marvin, stop.” Whizzer whispered, an intensity in his voice.

But Marvin ignored him, his hand moving closer and closer to whizzers crotch with each stroke, his fingers daintily tapping the bulge in his jeans. Suddenly whizzer snapped, grabbing Marvin’s wrist and growled in his ear,

“If you even fucking touch me one more time, I’m going to…”  
“Whizzer Brown?”  
Whizzer looked to the front of the class seeing the professor and half the class looking at him. He quickly dropped Marvin’s hand, a sheepish look on his face.

“Could you repeat the question please ma’am?”   
“I was asking if you would be able to let go of your boyfriend for long enough for you to listen to me.”  
“Oh he’s not my boyfriend, I’m not really a commitment person and… you don’t care-“ he cocked his eyebrow and turned to the rest of the class”- I mean if you want to hit me up, my snap is whizzerB.”

The class laughed but several people made note of his snap, and Whizzer looked back at Marvin.  
“Two can play at this game.”


	18. This biotch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 900 hits??? WHAT THE HELL THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!
> 
> Btw I love you xxx

The first week went by in a blur, the change of pace exciting for Marvin, but very soon afterwards, it began to drag again. His date with Trina was nice, but nothing special. He found her slightly irritating, the way she would giggle and how she seemed to pretend to be stupid. Small things like that were easy to ignore but the big issue was Whizzer. When he thought about him, his heart would race and he knew he would do anything to help him. If whizzer asked him to jump off of a building he would, no questions asked. All the same, he asked Trina out several times over the next week. 

Whizzer would get back to the dorms just to walk in on Marvin and Trina tucked under a blanket watching a movie together, and feeling awkward, would leave instantly. Being with Trina felt exhausting to marvin, she would constantly talk at him, but about things that were simplistic and easy. Trina seemed to have no substance in his opinion, her only purpose was to make people happy. She was beautiful, he would always admit that, but she just wasn’t…

Whizzer. And she would never be him.

But after three dates in two weeks, she began to put pressure on him, hinting to exclusivity and being his girlfriend. He had never had a relationship before, it all felt too sudden and grownup for his liking, so he pretended to be oblivious. 

“Hey Marv?”  
“What’s up?” 

He had given up on correcting Trina, she thought pet names were sweet. They had bumped into each other on Marvin’s walk to his maths class, one of the only times he had peace.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go out this weekend, there’s a cute coffee shop nearby.”   
“Sure!”

She kissed his cheek and bounced off to her next class, he quickly wiped it, trying to rub off the lip gloss she had left on it and tried to savour the remainder of his walk to class. It was one of the only times he was alone and left to think about his current predicament, but the moment had been spoiled by her, and he sighed as her perfume clung to him, suffocating him with its floral scent. 

His feet dragged as he walked up the lecture theatre to his seat next to Whizzer and sat down in the most dramatic fashion possible. 

“Hi.” 

If you have ever watched the tv show, friends, you would be able to recognise the way Marvin said the word. It sounded like when Ross first walked into central perk in the very first episode. 

If you have not watched friends then you should. 

“What’s up-“ whizzer looked up from his phone to see Marvin, pink sticky stain on his face, and choked back his laughter.

“Oh nothing,” he rubbed his cheek again

Whizzer broke, laughing loudly at how Marvin had made matters worse for himself by touching it.

“Come here-“ he laughed. He licked his finger and began to rub Marvin’s cheek, doing the classic ‘Mum stain’ thing. -“ there, much better!”

“Thanks” Marvin felt as though sparks were where Whizzer touched him.

“No problem, how are you and trina, I’m guessing this is her doing?” He pointed at the smudgy cheek.

Marvin sighed,” good I guess, we’re going on another date.”

“Oh.”

Whizzer tried to make his jealousy unseen, but it was easily noticeable to Marvin, and sparked ideas about using dating Trina just to win the game. 

His mind wandered throughout the day, questioning whether it was moral to ‘use’ trina or not. 

“Hey Mendel-“ whenever he didn’t know what to do he would phone Mendel, he always seemed to be able to help,”- is it ever okay to ‘use’ someone?”

“What are the terms?”  
“Is it okay if you’re trying to make someone jealous?”   
“Nope not okay.”  
“Oh”

The day ended as quickly as it began. Marvin went back to the apartment and tried to get some of his work done. He was struggling in Maths as he got distracted in almost every lesson, and found it frustrating how Whizzer understood it all. 

“Guess who!”  
Someone quickly covered Marvin’s eyes 

“Come on Whizzer, will you leave me alone?”  
“Nope, come with me.”  
“Whizzer…”  
“Keep your eyes closed.”

Whizzer pulled Marvin up and lead him, blind, through winding corridors and suddenly the wind hit Marvin and he wondered where they were as he got chilly from the cold outside. 

“Whizzer…”  
Marvin whined, reeling from the cold.

“We’re almost there.”

They walked a few minutes more, Whizzers hand pressed over Marvin’s eyes and finally they stopped.

“Alright, you can open your eyes…”

Whizzer removed his hand and stepped back as Marvin opened his eyes. 

“What do you think?”

In front of him, the warm candle light sparkled and shone through a weeping willows bow, he took a step forward, pushing through the long tendrils of the tree and instantly gasped as he saw the scene in front of him. 

“You did this for… me?”

He slowly walked to the small picnic blanket in the centre of the den and turned back to whizzer, admiring the lanterns that he had hung from the branches and bows of the willow. The warm glow had softened the look on Whizzers face, casting shadows over it that defined his jawline, his check bones and in that moment Marvin realised that he was most definitely not straight. 

“Yeah...” whizzer replied, he put his hand to the back of his neck and quickly diverted his gaze from Marvin to his feet, nibbling at his cheek slightly.

“It’s incredible.” 

The two boys sat there until the sky became pink and the stars began to disappear. They discussed everything, a bottle of wine between them as they told each other their deepest fears and darkest secrets. They talked about their families and the crimes they had committed, the first time they had sex and the jobs they wanted when they were younger. 

Time stopped that night and for the first time since they met, they just talked. They did not try to make each other jealous, or horny they just became friends. 

And then, as whizzer was telling him about the time his mom walked in while he was trying weed for the first time, and he was laughing that silvery laugh of his, Marvin felt the throbbing his chest. 

The feeling that made him wander what he would do if he ever lost Whizzer.


	19. Exclusivity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I pride myself in torturing you guys
> 
> Also don’t expect regular updates like this one lol

Whizzer stood at the counter, elbows on the surface and chin in his hands.

“Ugh just look at them”  
“Who are we looking at?”

Johanna washed the counter with a cloth, lifting his elbows up to sweep away the crumbs under him. 

“Marvin and Trina”  
“Wait you mean Marvin as in Marvin Feldman?”

Whizzer bolted upright, turning to her,   
“You know Marvin?”  
“Uh huh, maybe too well for my liking, the little prick.” 

She shoved a mop in Whizzers hand and pointed behind the till at spilt milk on the floor.

“What did he do? I gotta know now!”

After he was met with silence he decided just to do what she said, and mopped up the floor. He finished, leant on the mop, and just stared at Marvin and Trina from across the room. 

“Snap out of it… wait, do you like him?”  
“What, who? I hate Marv.”  
“Marv?”  
“Don’t you start, you sound just like him.”

From across the room, another waitress put her hand up, gesturing for Johanna. She quickly headed over, smiling at whizzer as she did, the waitress whispered in her ear and her smile dropped. 

“Hello, may I take your drink?” Although her tone was polite, it was laced with toxic. Marvin replied for both himself and Trina, and Johanna scoffed at his controlling nature.  
“You don’t even remember me do you?”  
“I’m sorry, what?”  
“We went to the same school you dickhead, I was your ‘sweetheart’ -“ she drew bunny ears in the air angrily “-I took your fucking virginity!” She hissed it under her breath like it was full of venom. 

“Oh shit!” Whizzer chimed in from behind the counter. On second thoughts he decided that he didn’t want Johanna to be fired, so pulled her away from the table, putting his hands on her shoulders firmly. 

“Johanna, go to the bathroom, get a hold of yourself.”

She stormed off, and whizzer turned around to face the couple, a fake smile plastered onto his face. 

“I’m so sorry, I’ll get your order.”   
“Whizzer you work here?”  
“Well as I told you, I need cash, i will be making your coffees now if that’s not too much trouble.”

He quickly made their coffees, and served them, before going to the bathroom, checking on Johanna. 

“Hey are you alright?”  
“Yeah I’m fine, My shifts over now anyway, so I’m going to head out.”  
“ okay.”

The rest of his shift went by quickly as he just stared at Marvin and Trina, seeing them giggle. He watched as Trina kept touching him, and Marvin did not shake her hands off, just moved closer to her. He mimicked their actions in his jealous state, repeating their flirting in a high pitched mocking voice. 

He checked his phone for the final time, and quickly took his apron off, going to the bathroom. He hastily washed his hands, splashing water into his face before just staring into the mirror, his grip on the basin hard. His fingers started to go white from the pressure, and he took deep breaths, trying to calm down from his infuriated state. 

Then the door swung open, and Marvin entered. He strutted up to whizzer, purpose in every step and quickly grabbed whizzer by his tie, dragging him into a bathroom stall. He pushed Whizzer down onto the toilet and straddled him, kissing him with passion and intensity. They were sloppy and messy, gasping for breath in between them, moving together in rhythm. Marvin moved his way down Whizzers neck, getting off of his lap, and kneeling on the floor.

“Wait? Does this mean I win?” Whizzer moaned out in between pants and groans.

Marvin breathed hot air into Whizzer’s trousers, tracing his dick with his mouth. 

“Last time I checked, this doesn’t count as sex.”

Marvin wiggled off Whizzer’s trousers, as whizzer raised his hips up, bucking them slightly. His pants followed quickly, and after several pumps of Whizzer’s dick, he was fully hard. Marvin grabbed the back of Whizzers head, pulling his hair and with the other hand, painstakingly slowly moved it up and down Whizzer’s dick. 

“Now listen to me, I may be the one on my knees, but I’m always the one in charge-” His voice was low and raspy “- do you understand”

Whizzer snorted slightly and Marvin yanked on his hair. 

“Do you understand?”  
“Yes” whizzer moaned 

Marvin licked the tip, and sat up again.

“Not as bad as I thought!”

He put the whole head in his mouth and slowly sucked, inching his way lower and lower down until he began to choke, and his eyes burnt. He bobbed his head up and down, the sloppy noises and whizzers moans echoed through the room. As whizzer came close to his climax, he clamped his thighs around Marvin’s neck, and Marvin took that as a good sign, speeding up his motions. 

“Ugh fuck, marv I’m close!”

Marvin quickly sat up, kissing Whizzer aggressively sharing the salty taste in his mouth. He slowly pumped Whizzer’s dick, edging him closer and closer to his climax, he bit whizzers neck, nibbling dark red marks into his perfect skin. 

Then he got up and left. 

For several days Whizzer was confused, his mind wandered to what had happened between the two of them, questioning what had happened between Marvin and Trina to make their ‘situation’ happen. He was irrational, angry and filled with his pent up horny ness, so he did not go home all weekend, instead he was in a drug and sex induced haze. Fucking every man he could find, smoking weed and snorting random substances until he could not remember which day it was. On Monday morning he woke up hungover and wanting to die in some random ‘crack house’. His phone was out of charge and he was wearing clothes that were splashed with vomit and blood that he was not sure where they came from. Whizzer, filled with confusion and pain, struggled to his feet, getting up from the dirty, worn mattress.

He stretched silently, reaching to the sky. His head pounded heavily and he looked around the room trying to find a watch or a phone. He staggered across the creaky wooden floorboards and slowly crept down the stairs, each step sent spikes of pain through his whole body. He did not know how, but somehow he managed to walk somewhere he slightly recognised, and hailed a cab sleeping the rest of the journey to campus. 

He awoke to a start as the driver began to yell at him for some sort of payment, and realising he had no money, sprinted into his building as fast as his semi conscious body would allow him. He practically fell into his dorm, and slid down the door, catching his breath for a second. 

Marvin sat upright in bed and upon seeing Whizzer, relaxed. 

“Holy Shit Whizzer, I was worried about you”  
“Uh huh, what day is it?”  
“Monday”

Whizzer quickly stood up, looking at himself in the mirror. He quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a t shirt. 

“Shit I need to shave-“ he said, touching the stubble on his chin,”- what’s the time?”  
“8:30, you also need to shower”  
“I don’t have time, Jesus.”

He packed a tote bag, quickly shoving in loose pens pencils and his sketch pad. 

“At least put on some deodorant, you smell like a dead body.”   
“I look like a dead body.”

He was about to run out of the door, but he almost fell over as dizziness took over him, and all he could feel was the throb of his entire body, the sound being one of the only things he could hear.

“On second thoughts, do you have any drugs.”  
“What?”  
“Weed, paracetamol, aspirin, anything?” 

Upon seeing Marvin’s shaking head, he sighed, quickly rummaging through his previous clothes and finding a syringe, almost empty, filled with a slightly golden liquid. He ripped a strip of fabric off of the cuff of the shirt and tied it around his forearm, pulling it tight with his teeth. 

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Whizzer didn’t reply, instead, tried to find a vein, flexing his arm slightly until the punctured skin bulged and he injected a small volume of the heroine. Enough for him to sigh in euphoria, but not enough to render him paralysed from the feeling. He danced Over to the window as the high hit him and emptied the rest of the syringe out of it. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to do again for at least a few months.”

And with that he left, running to his fashion design class. He felt the paranoia set in as he quickly looked over his shoulder every few metres, but managed to make it to class on time. 

“Hey, looks like you’ve been having a fun time.”

Trina laughed tracing the mosaic of hickies and darkened skin on his neck. 

“I don’t know, maybe it’ll come back to me.” He was jittery, tapping his leg on the floor as he felt the adrenaline coursing through his veins. “How are you and Marvin, did your date go well?” 

“Yeah, he asked me to be his girlfriend!” 

Suddenly whizzer stopped tapping and looked her dead serious, his eyes widening.  
“Seriously?”

He felt sick to his stomach, seeing the excited and hopeful look on Trina’s face. He was always going to choose her over him, why would he not, she was attractive, smart and he wanted her in a way Marvin could never want him. 

It was all he thought of throughout the day, and Marvin did not even have the balls to tell whizzer himself. That was what hurt.

Marvin ended up skipping classes, he went through Whizzer’s clothes and items, trying to find out who the hell Whizzer Brown was. He did not find any trace of drugs other than the pack of cigarettes whizzer kept for his panic attacks. Everything about him seemed to be hidden and stored away carefully so that only he could decipher it and only he could tell anyone his secrets. 

Marvin ended up calling Cordelia, they had sex as per usual, but he was too busy worrying about Whizzer to ‘have fun’. She was about to leave but Marvin stopped her.

“Wait a second. Cordelia, we can’t do this anymore.”  
“Oh I was gonna say the same thing.”  
“Wait what, why are you stopping this? I’ve got a girlfriend!”  
“Me too-“ she smiled at him as she opened the door-“ it was fun while it lasted.”


	20. Silk curtains and bedsheets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1000 HITS I MAY ACTUALLY CRY. THANK YOU

Days became long, and school became boring. Just as Whizzer had said, he did not go on another bender until early December. Marvin became antsy leading up to it, every time whizzer did not come back home, he would call him, often he would not pick up until hours later, telling him he was fine.

That marvin had nothing to worry about. 

But then one weekend, he did not reply and Marvin sat by his phone, not leaving the apartment until he got the call, late in the night. 

“Hi Marv, mind picking me up?” 

His voice was floaty, full of giggles and part of Marvin loved it. 

Loved him.

He tracked Whizzers phone to an abandoned house, entirely wooden, creaking with every gust of wind. Whizzer stood outside, swaying with the house, and upon seeing Marvin he lit up.

“Baby, baby, I missed you!” He giggled as he staggered towards the convertible. 

“Come on Whizzer, we need to get out of here, it’s giving me the creeps.” But he could not help but feel a slight flutter inside as whizzer called him baby.

Whizzer reached out for the door of the car but missed, falling to the floor, still enveloped in laughter. Marvin groaned and got out, lugging Whizzer up to his feet. 

“Hey Marv…” Whizzer wiggled his eyebrows at Marvin, falled into him. “I think I did some drugs” he whispered into his ear, before his silvery laugh echoed through the empty street. 

“Uh huh, do you know which ones?”

Instead of replying Whizzer stumbled into Marvin and kissed him. But this time it was delicate, meaningful as he lightly traced hearts into the back of Marvin’s neck. Marvin sighed into the kiss, but quickly remembered the state he was in. He broke it, opening the car door for Whizzer, and sat him down gently. 

Then he walked around the car, regret fuelling each step. They sat in silence for almost twenty minutes, Whizzers drug addled state making him stare at everything, brain working double time just to understand them until finally he broke the silence.

“Baby, you know I love you.”  
“What?!”

Marvin swerved the car as whizzer said it, heart pounding. 

“I really like you, but when I said we should play the game it was because I didn’t know how to have a relationship. I was scared, and I still am. I just… I just wish I could have told you that first week, instead of playing mind games with you.”

“Whiz… I…”  
“Please don’t tell sober me I said it, I might kill myself.” 

He laughed, but it was hollow, empty and it scared Marvin. It was as though it was really not a joke. And then he fell asleep leaving Marvin to process what had just happened.

Marvin ended up inviting his closest friends to spend New Years at his house. Since half of them celebrated Hanukkah and half of them celebrated Christmas, he could not really drag them away from their families. He, on the other hand, spent the holidays alone. His Mum had moved out after the divorce and his Dad, well he was god knows where. 

He came to the conclusion that his family hated him, so when the twenty fifth came rolling in, he let all the staff go home, and spend Christmas with their family. So he was left with a giant house to himself.

And felt lonely. Not because he had a large house with only him to fill it, but because he felt like no one cared.

He could not have been more excited when the thirty first of December came and he could actually talk to people who were not afraid he would fire them. So when he heard the butler call for him in the evening, saying he had guests, he practically fell down the large ballroom like staircase in excitement. 

“Holy fucking shit Marv, I knew you were rich but not this rich!” Cordelia yelled as he toppled towards them.

Charlotte put her hand on her arm, reminding her that they were inside. 

“Well, big house, but lonely all the time. Hey Whizzer.”  
“Hey Marv” 

The air was filled with tension between the two, and even Charlotte and Cordelia noticed it, communicating via the secret lesbian brain meld code thing. 

“So Marvin, I thought Trina and Mendel were coming?”

Marvin finally tore his eyes away from Whizzer, the passion still burning in his iris’ only to be extinguished by the name of his girlfriend.

“Yeah, but they’re coming down tomorrow. I’ll show you all to your rooms.”

They followed Marvin through the house, saying it was big was an understatement. It was the size of a stately home, gold embellishments adorning every corner. The floors were made of a marble that was impossible to walk quietly on, either their shoes would tap or squelch as they followed Marvin. It was difficult to keep up with him, every hall looked the same except for the different antiquities. 

“Here’s your room Charlotte-“ he pointed to a room, then to the opposite one”- and this one is yours Cordelia! Whizzer, keep walking with me.”

They continued to trek through the wings, very little conversation to be had between the two of them. They practically had not seen each other since Whizzer’s ‘confession’ and he was clueless to it even happening, but Marvin still distanced himself, then the end of term came and they did not speak. He abruptly stopped outside his own bedroom, and Whizzer almost walked into him. 

“Here’s my room, you know, just in case, and yours is next to mine.”

Marvin turned to go into his room, but Whizzer stopped him.

“Hey what’s up, you’ve been acting really strange-“ Whizzer took Marvin’s shirt in his hands, slightly unbuttoning it, before putting his arms around his neck, draping them over his shoulders “- and you’ve been ignoring me.”

Marvin looked up at him, the closeness making his breath shake with longing and nervousness. 

“I just… you… you said…” he sighed and cupped Whizzers face gently, reaching up on his tiptoes to kiss him. Whizzer automatically kissed back, setting a slow gentle pace and traced small love hearts again on the back of Marvin’s neck. 

And then he remembered that night. Small moments of conversation coming back, memories he thought were lost, actions he remembered.

Baby, you know I love you.

“Oh hell naw, I’m gonna go find Charlotte.”

He set off walking, making it about three metres before Marvin interjected in confusion.

“Wrong way.” 

That evening they decided against drinking, and instead the four unlikely lovers danced and sang, letting go of themselves just so they could feel like kids again. It was all fine until Whizzer suddenly felt nauseous, remembering his ‘declaration of love’ to Marvin and excused himself, sitting outside on a snow covered bench, watching the stars.

It was not long until Marvin followed him out, joining him on the bench, they sat in silence hearing the crack of far away wood in the Forrest and the giggles from inside. 

“Why did you leave?”  
“I felt sick.”  
“Why?”

Whizzer did not reply. 

“Was it for the same reason I was ignoring you?”

“Yes.” A new type of reluctancy enveloped his voice.  
“It’s because I know you won’t ever like me the way I like you.”

“Stop it”

Urgency flooded Marvin’s voice.

“We shouldn’t place this game anymore.”  
“We should. You and I are end game, we’ve played so long, you’re gonna give up now?”   
“You have Trina, this has already gone on way to long.”

He got up to leave, tears building up in his eyes.

Suddenly in a fit of rage and panic, Marvin shoved Whizzer against the wall behind them, his fingers digging into Whizzers hips and kissed him aggressively, forcing his tongue into whizzers mouth as he struggled against him. Marvin used his knees to spread Whizzers thighs and his knees went weak as he began to kiss back with as much passion that Marvin displayed. He wove his hands through Marvin’s hair pulling it as he felt the pleasure of the kiss. He broke the kiss to  
Breathe.

“Don’t ever try to get inside my head” Marvin snarled, for several beats they stayed pressed against the wall, marvin’s grip on Whizzers neck choking him. He slowly retracted his hand, staring into Whizzers eyes, his striking eyes.

His laughter ringed in Marvin’s ears, light and beautiful. 

“You caught me, damn, I was so sure you’d break.”  
“Almost.”  
“Well you know what. Screw you!”

“Please”

He floated in and out of consciousness, noticing tiny things before going back to sleep. The light flooding through the open curtains, ebbing and flowing as they moved with the cold wind from the open balcony. He felt his collarbones pressed against his back, keeping him warm, and he smiled as he drifted off again.   
“I won” the words were whispered like ocean waves, getting lost in the other sounds.   
The sheets were soft, and he moved his palm out to feel them, reaching for the spot where whizzer had been, feeling it empty he opened his eyes, inhaling what was left of Whizzers scent. The sweet serenity of the morning making him feel at ease.

Marvin did not make his bed that morning, he could not get rid of the print of whizzers body on his bed, could not risk losing the scent of him on his pillows. Instead he got changed and went downstairs to the dining room, being met with Charlotte and Whizzer deep in conversation. He went to sit opposite whizzer but as he sat down, winced in pain, letting out a tiny yelp. 

All eyes turned to him, Charlottes face of confusion and Whizzers smug look of success. Then Cordelia blazed into the room, grabbing a croissant and began to talk loudly to Marvin. 

“You know I took you as more of a bottom.”

Charlotte whispered to Whizzer, her nose and cheeks going slightly pink as she understood what had just happened.

“You know I’m so sick of being defined as a certain type of gay, I can be whomever I want.”

“Oh my god, me too, if I want to have sex I’m just gonna go up to Cordelia and sit on her face, she can do the same thing if she wants to.”

Whizzer nodded in agreement not entirely listening as he stared at Marvin, but upon hearing Cordelia’s name his head snapped towards her.

“Wait, you mean… you guys…”  
“Cordelia and I are together.”  
“I’m so happy for you two!”

Whizzer engulfed her in a hug, smiling at the happiness she deserved but knew he’d never have for himself.


	21. Guilty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reread this. 
> 
> The beginning twasnt good, I’ve defo got better since then

When they got back to school after the break, Whizzer was in both his best and worse state mentally. He was having regular sex- which was usual- most of the time it was with total strangers, but now… 

Now it was with someone he knew, and cared about. 

Of course there were days when he was horny and Marvin was in class or out with Trina, but those were the days when he would hit up a dating app, try and find a one night stand.

But the worst thing was the guilt he felt. He could manage it most of the time, thinking it was not his fault, but every time he saw Trina, talked to her, caught a glimpse of her he would feel it, bearing into his soul.

The guilt of hurting someone intentionally can never be dealt with by “letting it go” or by “breathing it free” or “making amends”. Guilt like that never goes away.

Guilt is the demon that hides under your bed, strangling you from inside your body, twisting knots into your stomach until you forget what not feeling it anymore is like. 

And it began to manifest, showing physical symptoms. He told himself, the mistake had already been made, no amount of guilt can change the past. But then they would have sex again. Whizzers already horrendous sleep pattern became non existent, leaving him awake in Marvin’s arms through the night. He wondered how Marvin was able to sleep knowing that Trina was somewhere, feeling dizzy with her love for him.

Whizzer could say with his whole heart that Marvin was not the most beautiful person, and He could say that because in the short space of time, he meant more to Whizzer than the social construct of beauty. The way he made Whizzer feel was so much more important! While Marvin may not be the most beautiful, in Whizzer’s eyes he was so much more than that. He saw him with the beauty others may not. That is all that mattered to him.

But it was bittersweet. Falling in love with someone who could never be his. 

And after seeing Trina in the halls, or catching glances of her smile in class, he would throw up because he felt the shame and the guilt. But also because he felt scared. 

People do not abandon people they love, they abandon people they were using.

So Marvin and Whizzer kept having sex, each time both of them telling themselves it would be the last time only to sleep together again. 

One day they were having angry sex, both of them taking out their own internal anger on the other. Sometimes Whizzer liked topping, he had an intense anger that he could only get rid of when he was dominating, and as he fucked Marvin in an aggressive way he had never done before. Amongst the flurry of moans, and gasps of pain, Marvin said it.

The three words that whizzer was so afraid of.

“I love you.”

Heat of the moment but Whizzer still muttered it back under his breath, falling far from Marvin’s hearing, the difference was Whizzer meant it. 

It made him feel nauseous to his stomach. After they finished, Marvin held him tightly, one leg wrapped around him, but his grip felt suffocating, sickly and a single tear fell down Whizzers cheek as he felt the waves of guilt crash against him, and the demons coming out to play.

His guilt only continued to grow and layer like a weed, crossing over and planting deep roots that no matter if he destroyed the flower of the dandelion, the roots would still remain, regrowing a new flower. 

Then one day he heard a small, slight knock on his door in his free period. In his confusion, he opened the door, and instantly thought he was going to be sick.

“Ummm Trina. Hi. You know Marvin’s not here right now, right?”

“I know, I came for you.” 

Her voice was sad with a touch of anger and Whizzer’s heart dropped and began to pulsate faster than ever before, this time he knew he was going to be sick.

“Now isn’t really a good time-“ but before he could finish his sentence she shoved past him and sat on marvin’s bed, holding the cover up to her nose and sniffing the sheets. “- Trina, what’s wrong with you?”

She sighed, tiny drops of moisture forming in the corners of her eyes 

“I think… I think Marvin’s cheating on me.”

He let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door behind her. He walked to his own bed, mimicking the position she was sitting him and tried his hardest to suppress his urge to vomit. 

“Why do you think that?”  
“You know how in the break we stayed at Marvs? Well in the bin in his bedroom I found a condom.”  
“Used”  
“Yes.”  
“But how can you be sure it wasn’t from you guys-“  
“Because we haven’t had sex.”

Whizzer blinked in confusion.

“Hold up, you and Marvin haven’t had sex?”

“No, he says ‘love isn’t sex’ and that he thinks it should be special between us. Then I did some snooping, and according to the house manager, only two beds were slept in that night, not four.” 

“No way.”

Whizzer moseyed as he thought back to fact that Charlotte had not told him about her and Cordelia actually having sex that night. 

“Yes, and I figured, since you and Charlotte are such good friends that it must be Cordelia.”

Whizzer sat in silence for a minute, trying think of an excuse good enough to get Marvin out of it but not dig him a deeper hole.

“Maybe you should just ask him?”

The guilt ate him up from the inside, nibbling turning into bites, bites turning into chunks. 

“But what if I’m wrong? He’ll never forgive me!”

Whizzer took a deep breath, thinking.

“If he did, then I’m sorry he loved you badly, and made you think that he made you feel like you’re taking up more space than you deserve…”

“I don’t think that!”

“You do, you feel bad for him and you haven’t even taken a second to think about how you feel about this.”

She looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes and Whizzer ran to the trash can, vomiting the foul liquid.

“Are you okay?”  
“No I’ve been feeling ill for a while.”

He sat back down on his bed, involuntary tears falling down his own face from the acrid taste in his mouth. He felt Trina’s arms wrap around him, and she leant her head on chest, and together they just cried. 

“Whizzer, what happens if I lose him?”

The sadness of it all was that it mimicked Whizzers own thoughts.

“If he really loves you, he won’t want to be with anyone else, they won’t even cross his field of vision… he’ll just want you.”

“But he said he wanted to have a family together, he said he loved me, he said ‘you and I are end game’”

And there was the tiny voice in Whizzers head again saying…

“Me too”

Then she said exactly what Whizzer was thinking…

“how am I meant to say goodbye when my heart still wants to hold on?”


	22. Choose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost at the end
> 
> Damn

Marvin walked in on Whizzer and Trina, Laying in bed and crying together. It was not exactly what he pictured and for some reason he felt extremely nervous seeing the two together. But he brushed it off instead picturing a threesome, he was down. 

Trina, got up quickly and left, kissing Whizzer on the cheek and ignoring Marvin entirely. 

"What was that about?"   
"Nothing."

Over the next couple of days Marvin hardly saw Whizzer, only seeing him leave their room early if he woke him, or coming back late at night. Sometimes he would try and hug Whizzer, going up behind him as he stood by the mirror, putting his chin on his shoulder, and wrapping his arms around his abdomen. Kissing his cheek or nibbling on his ear. But whizzer would shove him off, saying he was late to class. 

Which was a lie and Marvin knew it.

So as Whizzer climbed the stairs of the lecture theatre to the spot next to him in maths, he decided to confront him.

"Hi."

Silence 

"Fine. What the fuck is going on with you?"

Class started around them, but they seemed to be in their own little bubble, ignoring everything else but each other.

"Trina confided in me, she said she thought you were cheating on her."  
"What did you say."

He was calm and it infuriated Whizzer.

"I said to talk to you about it, I am not covering for you."  
"Why not-" Marvin hissed "- if I tell her it's mutually assured destruction, you'll go down with me."

Whizzer turned to him, anger blazing in his eyes.

"You really think that is what I care about? You're clueless!"  
"Enlighten me then!"

"I haven't slept in over a week. Every-time I see her I feel sick, I have headaches, then I throw up." Whizzer listed 

"I don't get it."

"It's guilt. Why am I the one feeling fucking guilty, you lie to her face, I don't. You tell her that you love her and she's the only one, but you cheat on her because you want to, you lie to her because you can. The only reason you'll ever be sorry is because you were caught, so you need to do something. Me or her, you have to choose."

And then he got up, even though it was the middle of class, whispered something in the teachers ear and left, staring at Marvin as he did so. 

And Marvin did not know what to do. He had to choose between what he wanted and what he aspired to want, every choice closes an infinite number of doors, and Marvin knew that. 

If he chose Trina, he could live normally, his parents would probably not disown him, they would live comfortably money wise. That is if they made it through college as a couple. They could have children, get married she could stay at home, look after the kid while he worked at a law firm. Leading a content life. Maybe too content and killing himself out of boredom later on in life like so many men them do.

But then he thought of Whizzer, the way his heart hurt in a good way when he was around, the way he loved every little thing Whizzer did, like how he would tap his leg when he was anxious, or how because he was tall, he would naturally stoop all the time to go through doorways. How he loved Whizzer not in spite of his flaws, but because of them.

"Fuck no!"  
"Mr Feldman, what exclamation was that?"  
"I'm sorry Ma'am"

Marvin looked incredibly sheepish realising that he had said it out loud.

"Why don't you come to the front and explain to the class why you interrupted me."  
"I'm good"  
"Come on now, no need to be shy."  
"Really, I'd rather not"  
"Mr Feldman, front now, unless you want to fail my class"

He sighed at the unfair nature of her decision and slowly walked down the lecture theatre too the front, looking at the classes laughing faces. 

"Umm, is it alright as I use this time as a forum?"  
"Sure thing."

"Okay-" Marvin took a deep breath, going over what he was about to say"- so I'm dating someone, she's beautiful, sweet, talented and she's kind. You don't often find kind people. But before before term started and before I met her, I met this other person, and h... they are the most incredible person I've ever met. So I've been cheating on my girlfriend with hi...her."

A murmur echoed and rippled through the class and Marvin looked ashamed.

" I think I'm in love with him."  
"Him?"  
"Fuck. I think I'm gay. I also think that I just came out to a whole class of people I have literally never talked to in my life. Well umm, he feels so guilty that we've been sleeping together, and so he told me to choose him or her, I just don't know."

The teacher turned to Marvin, and in a sweet, genuine tone said.

"You've got to follow your heart. I know it sounds cliche, but who makes you happiest, who challenges you when you're around them, when you see they've texted you, will you text them back no matter where you are? Would you be able to talk them down from a ledge just by telling them the truth?"

"I think so."

"Then choose them."

And so he ran out of the classroom, leaving his bag in his seat, running harder than ever before and faster than he liked. His legs turned to jelly yet he continued, he needed to tell them how he felt. 

It only took him a few minutes to reach the door, he had not composed what he was gonna say, he was just going to say what he felt.

So he knocked on the door.


	23. Excerpt from a doctor: part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a vibe.

Medical journal of doctor Mendel Weisenbachfeld

I had Trina coming to me, crying over Marvin. 

I sort of knew what was going on, the glances between Marvin and Whizzer, the unnecessary touches, but I did not want to be the one to break her heart- I also did not want her to shoot the messenger. 

She said Marvin was distant, which I definitely could see. Even though it must be a good twenty five years later, It still haunts me. She could have been mine but I decided to cover for Marvin.

He came to me asking for advice one day, mid class, he said that he thought he was in love. 

I did not know who he was talking about. It could have gone either way to be totally honest.

Marvin said he was drawn to them, feeling himself being pulled towards the person. He would not specify whether it was Whizzer or Trina but I always suspected Whizzer.

Trina told me that she thought Marvin was cheating, and I could not let the goosebumps go as I thought of that day we arrived at Marvin’s place. How whizzer would say something that only the two of them seemed to understand, I saw him joking around, slapping Marvin’s ass only to have Marvin wince and make a strange noise of pain i had never heard and then get annoyed at Whizzer. I did not see anymore as they went into Marvin’s bedroom, but I can only imagine what happened.

And I really did not want to imagine what happened.

Marvin asked me what love felt like, and I said

“You will never know until you know what love does not feel like.”

He asked me was love did not feel like for me. So I told him the truth.

“Honest feelings but bad timing. They are the painful combination. My biggest mistake wasn’t falling in love with them, it was thinking that they had fallen for me too.”

Trina. I was talking about Trina.

That was before Trina came to me, when she said she thought he was cheating and I realised what was going on. So I confronted him, asked him how he was so heartless that he did not even feel guilty and he responded by saying:

“I didn’t become heartless I just became smarter. I don’t need my happiness to depend on someone else, not anymore.”

I had never seen this before in him, it was a cold, senseless, paranoid man in front of me, not the sweet, generous boy I once knew who would always give me lunch money in kindergarten when I did not have any.

He had become a monster, realising that he could have it all. He could have the girlfriend who everyone was jealous of, the gorgeous, kind person who saw the best in everyone. But he could also have the boyfriend who could satisfy him, be a challenge but not be public with, who he could be aggressive and abusive with. Who he could be himself with.

And it helped me realise that all he wanted was someone to love him. 

Someone, anyone, his parents were never around growing up- I remembered that and he needed people to fill the large hole in his life where he was alone. 

If he kept taking, never being satisfied with who he had, he would end up alone again. I did not want that to happen because although he had hurt me, it was only because he too was hurting. 

Then one day, after Whizzer had been giving him the cold shoulder for a while and Trina had been ignoring him, he did it. Finally. He broke up with her. She cried into my shirt until Whizzer showed up, taking her into his arms and sobbing with her. 

For a guy who cheated with her boyfriend, they seemed to be getting along just fine, which struck me as odd.

And they stayed together all night, her falling asleep on his chest, him stroking her hair as he looked deep in thought. Once she was asleep, I asked him why he was still being nice to Trina, he did not have to be, he got the guy. But he said to me something that almost hurt with honesty.

“When I first met her I hated her so fucking much, not because of her, but because she stole the only person I have ever been interested in. When I went back to my dorm, I had a panic attack in the hall, I was so scared of everything, and damn I still am, but she didn’t even know me, yet she still stopped and gave me a hug, told me she was there if I needed to talk. Kind people aren’t kind by choice, kind people have seen bad things, been messed up, yet they try and make it better for other people because they know what it feels like.”

He kissed Trina’s hair as she turned in her sleep

“And Marvin isn’t perfect, you out of all people should know that.”

“He is far from it.”

“She knew, she always knew. I mean the day he and her got together, he gave me a blowjob, I thought he’d broken up with her but no.”

Trina sat up, waking abruptly from her sadness, eyes swollen and puffy.

“He said he loved me.” She said, tears streaming down her face.

“I know Honey, me too.”

It was an unlikely relationship, but I can now see after all this time where it came from. Marvin could be so sweet to the people he loved, but he could also be mean. 

He had to be in control, and I think that is why part of him died the day that changed it all, because Whizzer was the one person he could not control. 

After the break up I talked to Marvin, he was still  
My friend After all.

“Look at her.” He whispered. “She was so happy, and I destroyed her. She always seems to be on the verge of tears, her eyes are glassy and I haven’t seen her smile since the day I broke up with her.”

I looked down the hall to where Whizzer and Trina were sitting together, working on a project together. And I turned back to him, seeing his gaze on her sad and lonely.

“Will you tell her I’m sorry, okay? Tell her I’m sorry hurting her.”

“I will.” I said , “but for the record, you did not destroy her, she is stronger than you will ever be, and you only added oxygen to the fire.”


	24. Chemical romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post this last night but me being very tired and all, my stupid butt pressed the cut button instead of the copy so I had to rewrite it. But this is also a bit of a vibe soooo…

Finals stressed Marvin out to the max, and when Marvin became stressed, he became abusive and aggressive causing Whizzer to walk on egg shells around him. 

They both highly anticipated the summer, Whizzer needing to escape the room he now associated with pain. And Marvin just needing a minute alone to process his feelings.

After his break up with Trina, Marvin ended up almost instantly balls deep in Whizzers ass. But Whizzer was preoccupied, often not even present during sex. He would stare past Marvin’s shoulders to the ceiling focusing on the tiny cracks in the paint. Night after night they would have sex, and as they finished, tears would roll down his face. Marvin would go to wipe them away, but Whizzer would instantly sit up, and go to his desk, going back to his studying. Lighting a cigarette. Some nights he forgot about the cigarette, letting it burn to ashes in his fingers, using the butt to shade his sketches.

Most mornings Marvin would wake up to whizzer not having moved through the night, sometimes a cup of tea on the desk or another cigarette held between his lips. 

He barely ate as the stress got to him, the cigarettes stopping him from needing food, along with the fact he had no time due to studying and was trying to work at the same time.

But one constant in Whizzer and Marvin’s lives were the fights. They were always over stupid and meaningless things, like how Whizzer hated Marvin not hanging up his clothes, or when Marvin would point out how Whizzer would never be able to be in a relationship, or monogamous. 

They would fight loudly, yelling and screaming at the other, causing the neighbours to bang on the walls. They would always end up having sex, angry and forceful, the sounds of pain and aggression echoing through the room. 

It mimicked the first time they had sex in the bathroom stall nine months ago, or ten if you asked Marvin, meaningless, no strings attached, no feelings except anger.

And afterwards Whizzer would always light a cigarette and go back to work in only his boxers, causing Marvin to want to fuck him so hard he would not be able to get up to reach the desk. Or just show him how much he loved him. 

Somedays Whizzer would fall asleep standing up above his books on the counter at the cafe, but Johanna would pick up his shift, not waking him up as she saw him fading, his once bright personality dulling. 

She often commented on how much weight he had lost, asking if he felt okay, and Whizzer would always reply that the stress was getting to him. She understood that, remembering how bad her first year summer finals were. 

“So, were you told your fashion final assignment?”

Whizzer looked up from the large sketchbook on the counter.

“Ugh yeah, we were told today. We’ve got to design a portfolio based on how society pressures us to be and how we break the standards it sets for us.”

“Nice, have you got any ideas?”

“A couple-“ he doodled a tiny mannequin on the bottom corner of the page “- what do you think of when I say ‘red’?”

“Anger.”

Whizzer nodded, writing it down quickly on the mind map of words in the centre of the page.

“To me it’s the colour of wine staining someone’s lips when you first meet them, symbolising how they will bring misfortune and mistakes. It’s the colour of lipstick on a women’s teeth when she smiles or the way her dress twirls and whirls as she spins and dances after she pushes apart the tables in a Parisian restaurant. It’s the colour of the marks you leave on someone’s neck after having too much to drink. The feeling of giving someone your heart, and a rose to someone, but it’s the colour you see when they leave.” 

They stood in silence for a moment, pondering the poetic words that spilt from Whizzers mouth. 

“So, not sleeping is really doing wonders for you huh!”

Whizzer yawned, bringing tears to his eyes.

“I’ve never felt more alive.”

The bags around Whizzers eyes added years to his age, deep and dark, struggling to keep them open.

Several days later he finally slept. Marvin and him had sex, a usual occurrence, but as Marvin tried to hug Whizzer,trying so hard to keep him in the bed they shared, but Whizzer brushed him off, getting up to study.

He barely took two steps before he crumbled to a tiny curled up heap on the floor. Marvin was instantly by his side shaking him, checking to see if he was alright. He hauled him up into his arms and lay him down on the bed, quickly calling Charlotte.

She sent him out of the room when she arrived, and he paced up and down the corridor until she finished checking Whizzers vitals, he sprinted to her side, instantly asking if Whizzer was okay.

“He’s just sleeping, he collapsed from exhaustion. When was the last time he slept?”

“I don’t know-“ he was frantic, trying to get his head around what happened ”- thank God he’s alright.”

But more permanent worry lines seemed to grace Charlotte’s forehead, which made Marvin feel slightly scared.

“When he wakes up, call me. I need to talk to him.”

The unsettled feeling did not leave Marvin’s stomach, but he pushed it to the side, tucking Whizzer into bed and hugging him tight. So tight that for a minute, nothing could hurt him, nothing would make him feel sad.

“Wait for it” the small voice whispered in his head. “Just you wait.”

While Whizzer was still out Trina visited, and after Marvin’s failed attempts to even awkwardly converse with her, she sat on Whizzers bed, stroking his hair, and tracing circles into his back lightly with her fingernails. She was the one to break the ice. 

“You know there is a chemical equation for love.”  
“Well I sort of figured that out myself.”

She sighed at his inability to ever feel like he was not the smartest in the room. Now that she no longer saw him through a rosy filter, she could see every single one of his flaws and scoffed at how blind she had been.

“Will you just let me be smarter than you for a second-“ she said, raising her whispered tone to a low speaking voice “- dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, together they are love in its purest essence.”

“Why are you telling me this?”  
“Each chemical can be easily manufactured, hell I could make it in the chemistry labs, but if there is an Imbalance, or if you overdose on even one of them, it can cause schizophrenia, paranoia and in worse case scenarios, insanity.”

“What does this have to do with me?”

“Are you paranoid?”  
“No?”

She cocked her head to the side.

“Then are you sure you love him?”


	25. This had better come to a stop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not gonna lie, but I’m trying to finish this as quickly as possible so that I can move on. I don’t like these characters much anymore, they all kinda suck.
> 
> Except the lesbians
> 
> And trina

What Trina said weighed Marvin down for weeks. 

“What the fuck did she mean by ‘are you sure you love him’ of course I’m fucking sure. Why would I be paranoid anyway?”

He had ended up ranting to Mendel and Cordelia on several different occasions hoping they would somehow fix his problem.

“Well, you sound kinda paranoid right now. Just sayin’-Cordelia took a long sip from the strawberry milkshake she had bought, before making a funny face “-Dat ain’t sweet enough”

“Okay all I’m saying is, she has a point.” Mendel pointed out,” you guys have sex what, every day-“ 

Marvin went to butt in but Cordelia scoffed at him.

“Bitch please, we can hear you from down the hall.” 

Marvin flushed a bright red, looking down at his fiddling hands. 

“Anyway-“ Mendel said, a slight irritated quality in his voice “-sex releases a fuck tonne of oxytocin, so surely there would be an imbalance there. That means that if you were in love you’d be really paranoid right now about Whizzer.”

“Muh huh-“ Cordelia interrupted “-so, do you know where Whizzer is?”

“Well… I mean… we haven’t been doing well… we’ve kind of only been fucking and…”

The truth dawned on him quickly, maybe he did not yet love whizzer, but that does not mean that he would never. He definitely liked Whizzer enough to feel terrified when he collapsed, but maybe they just needed to go on an actual date like when they played the game. He thought back to when Whizzer took him to the beautiful willow where they sat under the branches and just talked all night. 

And it sparked something inside him. 

“Alright I’m gonna go, thanks for your help!”

He bolted out the door of the fast food chain, leaving Mendel and Cordelia alone.

“But I didn’t even get to my second point.”

-

Whizzer spent the whole day stressed out to the point where he felt a constant pit in his stomach. It was the day they found out how they did on their finals, Marvin did not understand why he was so anxious. But he had his reasons.

Whizzer had a scholarship, that was why he always worked so hard. Each test he came closer to losing it, that was why he had not slept for weeks, if he lost the scholarship, he would have to drop out, and he could not drop out. 

So as the clock ticked closer and closer to three pm, he sat over his old, slow laptop, continuously refreshing the class rank page until suddenly the empty page was filled with names. He quickly traced down the page, searching for his name. 

“B, Barch, Bert, bing, Brown!-“ he sighed in relief as he saw his Maths grade “- A- okay, I can improve on that.”

He breathed slowly, finding the fashion design page, clicking through the portfolios until he found his own, he shrieked in excitement as he saw his result.

“99% holy shit!” 

He suddenly felt as though a massive weight had been pulled off of his chest and he danced around the dorm, getting his phone out of his pocket and calling his mum.

“Hey Ma!”  
“Hi sweetie, how did you do?!”  
“A- in maths and 99% in fashion!”  
“Well done! I’m so proud of you, I can’t wait to see you!”  
“Me neither mum-“ as he turned around he saw Marvin open the door, gesturing for him to come with him “- I have to call you back. Hope you’re doing okay.”

He hung up the phone and took a deep breath out. 

“Look Marvin, I’m having a good day, please do not ruin it.”  
“Come with me.”

He followed Marvin out of the dorm, the warm summer afternoon breeze refreshing. Whizzer was finally beginning to feel like himself again, small things at first, like the heat of the rays hitting his skin, thinking of how far the sunlight had travelled before he felt it. Feeling how the air got cooler as he inhaled and and warmer as he exhaled. 

For the first time in a while Whizzer was present and aware, not turning to drugs, cigarettes or alcohol to numb and dull his senses. 

As he followed Marvin, he began to recognise where they were going as they neared the small babbling brook, and then he saw the very same willow tree that he had taken Marvin too, what seemed like so long ago. 

“Marvin, what are we doing here.”

He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the picnic Marvin had laid out for them under the canopy of leaves. A soft smile graced his face and his eyes and nose crinkled in an adorable fashion.

“Look-“ Marvin said, taking a deep breath “- I’ve been a dick.”

Whizzer scoffed, ‘dick’ did not even begin to describe him.

“I’ve cheated and I’ve lied and I was just so stressed out. And you weren’t helping matters but…”

“I’m sorry, did you just blame your abusive nature on me?” Whizzer questioned, his eyes wide.

“Well, I don’t think you understand what I mean.” Marvin backtracked

“No I understood exactly what you meant-“ Whizzer raised his voice “-Marvin, when are you going to grow up and realise that I just wanted sex after I saw what you did to Trina, that you were just an easy way for me to get it. I know plenty of people who like me for me and aren’t just using me to figure out their sexuality” 

He took a few steps back, away from Marvin, placing his hands on his hips 

“Fuck you, you’re really one to talk. I wanted you so bad, but every time I even said anything about ‘dating’ you would change the subject and it looked like you’d seen a ghost. This is not on me.”

“Oh my god, this is so on you. At one point I wanted a fucking relationship but then I saw your true colours. You cheated on Trina and didn’t even feel guilty, I felt like a monster. And now you blame it on the ‘stress’ of finals-“ he mimicked Marvin “-what did you have to worry about. ‘Daddy’ will pay for you to stay in this school no matter how badly you do.”

“And why is that so different to you huh? You live on the top floor with me, you obviously have some money!”

“How do you know nothing about me?! You fucking self absorbed prick.” He began to shout. “I’m literally part of the Feldman scholarship, it’s almost full ride, but I still have to work full time to be able to afford the rest. Your Dad is literally paying for me to come here. That’s why I was stressed, I can lose it so easily. I don’t have time for relationships.”

“Yeah but you have time for sex you… you freak.” As soon as Marvin said it he felt guilty.

“Don’t call me a freak” Whizzers voice was quiet again, so angry that he was not anymore.

“Fuck Whizzer, I thought we had something special. I was gonna ask you out today, I wanted us go on a date to remember how we used to feel when we were together. You had to go and ruin it.” 

“Fuck you.”

“We used to love each other, we used to enjoy having sex, in the winter we cuddled up by the fire, we would smile and laugh together, FUCK-“ he yelled the curse in his own stupidity “-I haven’t seen you smile in weeks.”

Whizzer turned to leave   
“Stop it damnit.”

Whizzer bit his lip to stop the tears from falling as Marvin grabbed his hands, bringing them to his chest 

“Fuck Whizzer, I’ll never stop if it helps you remember. You’re just a coward, and you know it. In fact we both are, stop lying to yourself.”

“I don’t care about you!” The bitter, painful lie flew from Whizzers lips as he desperately tried to pull away from Marvin. For a brief second a glint hurt and pain crossed over Marvin’s face before it was replaced with stone. He let whizzer go.

Marvin shook his head staring at Whizzer as if he could read his mind.

“Such a goddamned liar.”

“I’m sorry Marv. I don’t love you.” A small smile was found in his voice, one laughing at the stupidity of himself and the situation.

And then Whizzer walked away, regret soaking in through each step, making him feel heavy and sick.

He emailed his teachers, telling them he was ill, and that he needed to go to his hometown to visit his family doctor, they believed him, telling him that they would not really be doing anything the last week. Then he caught the train home, surprising his mom early for the summer. 

“Mom, I made a big mistake.” He said to her when he first saw her. “I fell in love.” 

And she embraced him in a way only a mother can, caring, hopeful and Whizzer broke down in her arms, spending the summer trying to forget the only person he had ever loved.


	26. Interlude with the lesbians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to be happy, but I actually consider some of the middle some of my best writing ngl

Summer was a fun blur for Charlotte and Cordelia, they stayed together, switching between each other’s houses. Their parents loved their relationship, shipping them harder than even Whizzer did.

They did everything that they had ever wanted to do, quite a lot of the time it ended in sex, but for them the sex was special. Together they were whole, and healthier because of it.

They drove out to the nearest beach, camping there for several days. In the mornings they would curl up together, listening to the waves crash on the sand as the sun came up. During the day, they would buy ice creams, sharing the different flavours and at night they would skinny dip in the ocean. The sea was warm and they would try and splash each other with the water, until one of them would scoop the other up, so they were clinging to them and kiss, the sea water mixing with their warm breath, making their kisses salty, filling them with giggles.

When it rained they just danced in its warm sticky feeling, smiling and laughing, forgetting everything that was bad. 

One day they decided to drive out to where Marvin lived, stopping on the way as the sky darkened. They parked Charlotte rusty old truck on a cliff edge and lay on the bonnet as the sun set, holding hands in the silence. 

“I love you Charlotte.”

Cordelia was the first to say it, smiling to her, the joy making her fizz inside.

“I love you too.”

And they just stayed on the hood of the truck, every now and again, one of them pointing out a constellation. Their fingers entwined together and they clung on to one another tightly until they fell asleep.

-

They arrived at Marvin’s house in the early afternoon of the next day, surprising him with baked goods Cordelia had made for him. He accepted them graciously, but Charlotte quickly took them off of his hands as he spat one out, putting a quick thumbs up to her. They spent the day in Marvin’s large living room, just catching up. 

“So Marv, what have you been up to?” Cordelia asked.

“Marv-in, come on Cordelia you know I hate you calling me that!-“ he laughed for the first time in a while, the feeling foreign to him. “- I’ve just been staying here, moping around, feeling lonely as fuck.”

Cordelia smiled before a serious look crossed her face, “What happened to Whizzer, he just left last term without saying bye or anything?” 

Marvin looked away, quickly wiping his eyes,” Something happened between us, I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“So are you living here alone?” Charlotte asked.

“Yep, I haven’t heard from my Dad in months, and my Mum is somewhere in Europe, maybe at the end of summer I’ll go visit her.”

Charlotte and Cordelia stayed with him for a few days, and they noticed tiny things that were different about him. He sometimes seemed to forget what he was doing, wandering around the house deep in thought. Cordelia would often sit with him, stroking his hair as he cried, refusing to talk about what it was about. So she just whispered soothing words in his ear, trying to calm him down. 

“You know you can always tell me what’s going on Marv, you’re one of my best friends.”

“Not yet, it’s too fresh.”

When they left him alone again, he just stayed in bed, waiting there until he could face the world.

-

After the lesbians left, they went to a drive in movie theatre, watching grease together and singing along to the songs until someone told them to shut up. They drove down to another camping ground in a forest, taking blankets out that they had stolen from the drive in for the two of them, and slept on the cargo bed. They talked about all the things they wanted to do for the rest of the summer, and wondered what had gone on between Marvin and Whizzer. 

Before they knew it, Charlotte was texting Whizzer, asking him if it was okay for them to stay with him for a couple of days and the next day they drove four hours across state borders to visit him. 

They pulled up to a tiny house, a car parked in the equally small driveway and knocked, instantly being embraced by Whizzer. 

“Jesus Whizzer, when did you get so skinny!” Charlotte said as she felt his ribs through his baggy T-shirt.

“Fuck you.” He laughed, warmth echoing from his voice. 

He quickly pulled on a loose jacket even though the temperature was mid twenty’s at least and ushered them outside.

“Look, there’s stuff I don’t want my Mum to hear so, I thought we could catch up on a walk.” He said, leading the way down the small street they came from.

“So, you never came to see me.” Charlotte said, eyes narrowing slightly.  
“Yeah, I’m sorry, I had finals.” He replied,” anyway, what have you guys been up to?”

“We’ve done everything!” An excited Cordelia said as she bounced along the street.”we camped at a beach, and a forest. We’ve stargazed… we-“

“We went to see Marvin.” Charlotte butted in, watching Whizzer for a reaction. On hearing his name, Whizzer seemed to crumble slightly, and a sadness filled his voice.

“How is he?” His voice was soft with the knowledge of what he had done. 

“Lonely.” Cordelia replied “What happened to make you leave Whizzer?”

They rounded the corner to the Main Street, a light shower of rain beginning to fall. 

“It all got too real.” Whizzer began, holding back the tears he knew would start If he talked about it In too much depth. “He took me to this beautiful spot, and he started to apologise-“ 

Charlotte cut him off “About what?” 

Whizzer shrugged,” after he hurt Trina, I didn’t want to be around him.”

His mind drifted back to the day. It was a couple of days before final results day.

Whizzer was laying in bed, Trina sat above his head on a pillow, fiddling with his hair, and Mendel sat in the corner reading. Out of the blue, the door was flung open and the trio looked up to see Marvin, furious.

“What the actual fuck Trina?” He shouted

She looked at him in confusion, shaking her head slightly,” what?”

“Don’t give me that innocent act, or the ‘I’m sorry’ look in your eyes.” He yelled, mocking her slightly.

Trina’s eyes widened for a second before she narrowed them. 

“Fuck you.” 

It was the only time Whizzer had ever heard her swear and he sat up on the bed, confused about what was about to come. 

“You went and fucked my best friend, after us not even being broken up for a week!” 

Mendel went to speak but Marvin growled at him and Trina stood up, matching Marvin’s height with her small heels.

“You were shagging Whizzer since before we got together. I knew about it the whole time but I didn’t even bring it up, so don’t you dare get angry at me for getting together with someone who actually likes me.”

“Fuck you Trina.”

“No. We had fights and games, you called me funny names. No wonder no one loves you.” Trina’s voice was stern and strong, an entire new side that Whizzer had never seen before. As she said the words he realised how much they paralleled Marvin and his relationship. 

“Whizzer loves me.” 

Everyone in the room turned to Whizzer and his eyes widened at the attention. 

“Do I love him?” 

He said out loud. He looked at Mendel, who was trying to separate Marvin and Trina. He looked at Trina, a sympathetic look in her eyes, and finally his eyes locked onto Marvin. A small charming smile graced his face and he raised an eyebrow. 

He did not answer the question, the silence saying more than he ever could.

“Fuck me.” Marvin whispered as he stood there. His voice raised slightly,” I am so dumb.” He paused for a second before he turned to face Whizzer. “Why?” 

His voice cracked as he said it and it sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

Mendel tried to usher Marvin out, but he shoved Mendel’s arms off of his, still looking at whizzer.

“Marvin, just leave.” Trina said “ you don’t belong here.”

He snapped, turning to face Trina, pushing Mendel out of the way and brought his hand out. He slapped her hard, causing her to gasp. 

The loud clap, echoed through the room and Marvin put his hands to his mouth- shocked at what he had done. 

“Baby, You know I didn’t mean it.” He urgently said, regret and disbelief in his words. 

He stepped towards her but she backed away, scared of what he would do to her, and Mendel embraced her, stroking her hair, trying to calm her. After a moment she let go, patting his back and nodding strongly, walking a few steps away before putting her head in her hands and crying alone.

“Leave Marvin.” 

Whizzer had said to him, his own tears clouding his vision. 

“Get out.” 

He never saw him the same way after that. 

Whizzer shivered as he relived the day, wiping away the small tear that ran down his face. He stopped as they came to the graveyard.

“There’s a nice walk through here, do you mind the dead vibes?” He asked.

The couple shrugged as they followed him onto the mossy path and they continued to walk, weaving through the grave stones.

“He gave me these excuses about being stressed, which I got, but then he blamed it on me and I just got mad. We argued for a while and then I said I didn’t care about him.” He shrugged focusing on his breathing to stop him from crying. 

“And then he apologised and you made up?” Cordelia asked, trying to think positively. 

Whizzer sighed “Then I told him that I never loved him and I went home.”

“And then over the phone you apologised and made up?” 

He laughed bitterly “I wish. Can we not talk about it anymore?” Whizzer asked, trying not to think about the moistness of his eyes. 

-

Over the next couple of days the lesbians tried to cheer Whizzer up, leaving him happier than when they arrived. He stood in his doorway as they drove off, waving at him until he was out of eyesight. 

“We’re going to try and get them together right?”  
Charlotte asked as she turned the corner.

“You bet” Cordelia grinned, kissing her girlfriends cheek.


	27. Friends?

Chapter 27

September came fast, so much had changed in a year. 

On Marvin’s drive back to college he had stopped at the same bar he and Whizzer met in. He sat in the same spot, the end of the bar, a squeaky barstool underneath him, and ordered whiskey on the rocks again, looking over to where he had first ever seen Whizzer. 

A tall, gorgeous stranger, sitting at the other end of the bar, making eye contact with him as he idly spun circles around the rim of his glass. He was not just gorgeous, his presence seemed to command everyone in the room and his look seemed to be able to see straight through your clothes. 

The way his mint green shirt complemented his dark hazel eyes, how his hair had one tiny piece out of place that made it look perfect. The way he was so brash and straight forward, and the way he looked when he was sat on the bathroom floor, cheeks red unable to get up from the shaking in his legs. 

Marvin quickly finished the drink, having the slight feeling of déjà vu as he thought he saw Whizzer from across the room, shook his head to get the image out of it and left, getting back in his car and continuing the long drive. 

-

Coincidence is a strange thing.

Whizzer felt sentimental that night, so he caught the last bus out of the city and walked the remainder of the way to the only bar where the bartender would not check his ID. Which just so happened to be the bar he had first met Marvin. 

He sighed as he ordered a drink, then another, then another and before he knew it, he saw a decent looking man on the opposite side of the room. He was big and bulky, heavy set and quite tall, and had been staring at him all night, so Whizzer sidled up to him, slightly staggering as he walked, and began to flirt with him. The guy did not seem to take the hint, so Whizzer just said it straight. 

“Wanna fuck?”

His heart pounded slightly as he said it, his eyebrows knitting together as he thought of Marvin, but all thoughts of him were quickly eradicated as he choked on the man, who he did not even know the name of, cock, tears streaming down his face as he was forced down it to the point he could not breathe, the man pinching his nose and yanking his hair. 

Then the guy sat him down on his dick, Whizzer squealing with pain, he instantly grabbed whizzers ankles that were balanced on the edge of the toilet he was sitting on, and bounced him up and down, meeting the downward bounces with his upward thrusts. 

Whizzer begged him to stop.

It hurt. It was not that his dick was big, it was that whizzer had taken a break from sex to focus on himself, so when the man shoved him down, not bothering to stretch him, or to put on a condom, Whizzer felt it, and he did not like it.

So as the man continued, ignoring Whizzers screams of protest, he disassociated his mind from his body, trying to remember when he was happy, thinking back to New Year’s Eve, remembering how he felt waking up next to Marvin in a big bed, Marvin’s fingers daintily brushing his collarbones as they smiled to each other and running his hands through Marvin’s messy hair, gently pulling at the knots. He stopped trying to fight the large man as he thought of how Marvin’s kisses were always so sweet, like coffee with lots of cream and sugar. 

He counted how many tiles there were on the floor of the stall, and thought of when he first met Marvin, laughing in his head at how complicated everything became, and how for a few months he was actually happy. 

Then the man came inside him, the sticky, sore feeling making Whizzer feel sick. He pushed whizzer off of him and did up his trousers, then he opened the stall door, turning back around and chucking a couple of twenty dollar bills at Whizzer. 

“Here you go Whore.” 

He said before leaving, and Whizzer instantly vomited into the toilet, the cum dripping out between his legs, which made him feel disgusting. He tried to push everything out of his mind as he pulled up his jeans that were too big for him and went back to the bar, knocking back another drink before throwing up again as he thought of how he had been used, his trousers beginning to feel uncomfortable from the patch of wet, and his whole body hurting.

He kept trying to distract himself, thinking of Marvin, thinking of how close they had been to happiness, when he saw him across the room. Their eyes met for a second and Marvin shook his head, getting up and leaving. Whizzer shook his own head as the alcohol worked its magic, making him forget ever seeing him.

-

Marvin pulled up to college early in the morning, taking the elevator up, the carpeted floors feeling so familiar. He put his key in the lock, pushing the door open to see his home. He sighed as he sat on the bed, relieved to be back somewhere where it was almost impossible to be alone. He quickly sprung to work, unpacking all of his items and putting them back where they belonged, then he hung up all of his clothes in the large closet, smiling to himself as he thought of how Whizzer would always get angry at him when he did not so it. 

Whizzer arrived in the late afternoon, walking into the room, a stoic look on his face. He unpacked his own things in silence, Marvin watching patiently from his position on the bed, and waited until he had finished. Then Whizzer sat down on his own bed, legs crossed, looking at Marvin, his look so concentrated he could almost see into Marvin’s soul. The silence became overwhelming but still, they basked in it.

They both broke it in unison.

“I’m sorry.” 

And then the look of strength on Whizzers face fell and he wept, the aching he was feeling everywhere suddenly making everything that happened the previous night seem real. Marvin was instantly by his side, asking what he had done wrong and how he could fix it, but Whizzer just cried into his t shirt, the ugly flannel print mixed with Marvin’s musky smell make him feel like he was safe. 

“Whizzer, what’s wrong?” He asked after Whizzer had calmed down a little. 

Whizzer replied, the tears still clouding his vision, seeing Marvin as only a blob “Nothing really, I’m not sure why I’m crying.” 

They sat huddled together for a few minutes until Whizzer got up, wiping his eyes.

“Come on, let’s go out!” He said, flailing his arms in the air, “can we go to a bar or something?”

Marvin shrugged, “sure, I’ll call the lesbians.” 

“Cool, I’ll meet you at the one that’s just off campus.” Whizzer said as he opened the door, grabbing his wallet from the small table they had put by the door,” there’s something I have to do first.”

He walked down the hallway to the end, and knocked on the final door, it was opened almost immediately and he quickly engulfed Trina in a hug, her almost falling over from the momentum, he began to cry again, but unlike Marvin, Trina knew something was seriously wrong. 

Trina exclaimed. “Whizzer, you look so skinny, have you been eating?”  
“Meh, I… I…” he could not make it to the end of his sentence before he began to weep again. 

Trina sat him down on her bed and took his hands in her own, he had never been good at talking about his feelings, but Trina was the only exception to that, so he told her everything that happened the previous night. After he finished he ran to the bin, vomiting.

“Holy moly, Whizzer. You were raped.” She exclaimed, hugging him tightly, and stroking his back as he kneeled over the bin

Whizzer wiped his mouth on his sleeve “Fuck no. I asked him if he wanted to fuck, I’m a six foot two man whose been working two jobs since I was sixteen. I was not raped.” 

She sighed understanding how difficult it was for him to comprehend, so she left it, worrying about him.

“So how are you and Mendel?” Whizzer changed the subject, feeling slightly better after talking to her about it.

“We’re actually having sex.”  
“Good sex?” He asked  
She shrugged “More sex than with Marvin.”

His phone rang “Speak of the devil, hey marv… alright I’ll be there in five.”

“You guys made up?” She asked, a slight fire in her eyes.

“I just felt so bad through the holidays, trying to forget him, but then last night… “ a bitter look crossed his face,”I just kept thinking about how happy he made me instead of what was… happening” He cleared his throat, shrugging slightly as he got up, lazily walking to the door,” I haven’t forgiven him, but I can tolerate him for the time being until he apologises.”

He waved at her before walking out to the elevator, tapping his foot in impatience as it came. He left the building and tried to appreciate the little things, the way the breeze felt cool against his face, the way the leaves were turning orange, the way the sky was beginning to turn pink, and he quickly made it to the bar, going inside to meet his friends. 

Marvin spoke first “Hey Whizzer, we’ve already ordered.” 

The lesbians got up and hugged him, Charlotte wiggling her eyebrows and doing subtle gestures towards Marvin which Whizzer laughed at. He sat down at the small corner table next to Marvin, the wooden floors and walls and the candles making him feel warm and safe. 

As the lesbians started a conversation between the two of them about the previous nights baseball game and Marvin nudged whizzer, quietly asking him if he was alright. Whizzer nodded, a small smile on his face as he realised how much Marvin had grown over the summer. He looked away, but felt Marvin’s eyes still on him, so he turned to look at him again, causing Marvin’s cheeks to flush slightly as they held eye contact. 

The small moment was interrupted by Charlotte and Cordelia’s voices becoming progressively louder until they were almost shouting.

“He was out.”  
“He was safe!”  
“He was out!”  
“He was safe-“ they were quickly shushed by Marvin and Whizzer, and Charlotte lowered her voice “- baby his foot was on the base.”

The rest of the night went without a hitch, and at around eleven, Marvin and whizzer decided to leave as they had classes in the morning. They took turn hugging the Lesbians, and Whizzer noticed Charlotte whisper something into Marvin’s ear causing smile to falter for a second before coming back. 

But Whizzer suddenly became distracted by a coughing fit that come over him, the unhealthy sounding coughs causing the trio to stare at him.

“Sorry, water went down the wrong way.”

He lied as Charlotte stared hard at him, a tiny glimmer of worry crossing over her face.

The mild temperature of the afternoon had long gone and Whizzer had begun to shiver as they walked to their dorm. Marvin noticed, and quickly took off his coat, wrapping it around Whizzer to keep him warm. 

Whizzer sighed, and after they walked slightly further, sat down on a bench, patting it as a sign for Marvin to sit next to him. 

“Look Marvin.” He began, honest and firm. “I think we need to stop running around in circles.”

A confused look crossed Marvin’s face,” what do you mean?”

“ I haven’t forgiven you for all the shit you’ve done, and i think you know that.” He paused, thinking about what he wanted to say next “But I think we need to stop leading each other on and doing cute shit that couples do and just be friends.”

Marvin just nodded, the small pain in his heart intensifying, but not showing it.

Whizzer frowned as he continued,” I think us having sex and living together was too much, the time apart has done us both good.” 

“Yeah, I’ve become more empathetic and you’ve slept with the same person more than once! I think that’s a win!”

“Definitely.” Whizzers voice faltered and it sounded more like he was trying to convince himself this was a good idea,” so, friends?” 

“Friends.” 

The rest of the way back they walked in silence. Both of them kicking themselves for not telling the other how they really felt. Both remembering exactly why they fell in love with the other in the first place.


	28. Something bad is happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are literally almost finished, I’ve already written the last couple of chapters so I’ll probs release them later tonight all at once. Anyway I’ll probably leave some questions at the end of the last chapter for yall to answer If you want to, please do otherwise I’ll feel kinda embarrassed.

Whizzer would often sit outside, wrapped up in a scarf and a hat, sometimes sketching out new designs or figuring out hard maths questions that he did not understand during the lesson. The cold air made him feel alive, and as he sat alone on the picnic bench like he did almost every week, he had a small window of time to reflect on himself. 

It was coming up to the October half term, and the first month of school had been slow, he really could not wait to go home for the holidays! It was a particularly cold day, and he could see the tiny water droplets beginning to freeze on the metal fixings of the bench, and his breath would hang in the air. He took a sip of the coffee he had brought with him after his shift at the cafe and began to splutter at how hot it was, quickly grabbing a tissue out of his pocket to cough into. 

He started to sketch a long autumnal themed dress, using the orange leaves around him as inspiration, his sketchbook balanced on his lap. He liked the quiet, he could hear the slight rustle of leaves as they fell from the trees and the swooping of the birds, their high pitched twittering, song like to his ears. The peace of the moment was ruined by the loud noise of his phone, and he sighed as he got it out of his pocket, biting off one of his gloves to unlock it. 

His face softened as he saw it was from marvin, and he felt the butterflies appear in his stomach when he saw the photo Marvin had sent him, it was a selfie of the two of them, the caption read ‘almost a year ago’. He felt as though he could not tear his eyes away from Marvin, the beer he was holding up to the camera, his eyes bright as his smile was wide, the way he was gripping onto Whizzers chest. Then Whizzer saw himself and frowned slightly, noticing how much he had changed. He got up, looking at his reflection in the nearest puddle and even through the uneven water, he could see how his cheeks had hollowed, how he seemed much paler than before, but he quickly brushed it off, texting back a gif of Andrew rannells licking his lips in his Tony performance of ‘I believe’ from the Book of Mormon. 

Then he packed up his stationary and went to the dorms, he was about to step into the elevator when he decided there was somewhere else he needed to go. 

-

“So you’re not going home this time?” Cordelia asked Marvin as she painted his nails, after much protesting.

“Nope, I’ve decided that I’d much rather be here than that fucking massive house. I don’t even think I can call it my ‘home’ not a single room in there has a touch of personality!” He said, blowing on the hand that Cordelia had already done. He hated to admit it, but he thought he looked pretty good with it on, the dark blue complementing the brown in his eyes. “Also I don’t think I’ve seen my parents for over a year now which is disconcerting to say the least. My Dad is off doing god know what, or who, and my Mum is, I think in France at the moment, I’m not sure. Every now and again I’ll see her face in a tabloid.”

“How are your parents so rich?” Cordelia asked curiously as she concentrated on his nails.

“My mum was a model, or something and my dad inherited a shit tonne of money, made one good investment in college after his parents died and became a lawyer for ‘the stars’” he said it in a baby like voice. 

“Is that why you want to become a lawyer?” 

Marvin thought about it for a second,” I guess so. I never really had anything I wanted to do, so I think I just subconsciously decided I’d do what my Dad does.” He shrugged,” what are you doing for the holidays?” 

“Well I was gonna stay with Charlotte, but she said something ‘came up’ so I guess I could just stay here with you?”

“What about your family?” 

“They thought I was spending it away from them anyway, so they won’t mind.” Her face suddenly lit up “ we can have a whole week full of slumber parties!” She exclaimed.

“You know what, that’s not a bad idea!” Marvin replied,” and neither of us will be lonely!” 

Suddenly the door burst open and Charlotte and Whizzer walked in, Charlotte instantly scooping Cordelia up in her arms and kissing her. 

“Hey babe, what are you doing?” She asked  
“Ohhh nothing-“ Cordelia’s voice was playful as she screwed the lid of the nail polish back on. “- yo whizzer come and have a look at Marvin’s nails!” 

Whizzer peered over at Marvin, who was holding his hands outwards towards him and Whizzer gasped. 

“Oh my God, Marv you look so good.” His face reddened as he realised what he said,” oh I mean no hetereo, ahh nope! I mean no homo, I mean it in a strictly platonic way.” He kept digging himself a hole and Marvin smirked at him as he made the situation worse for himself. Marvin quickly checked to see if the lesbians were listening, and leaned into whizzers ear.

“You look amazing Whizzer” he whispered, his breath warm, making Whizzer tremble. 

“I’m gonna go back to the dorms.” Whizzer whispered back, “ I want you to fuck me.” 

Marvin’s face turned slightly red and he nodded as Whizzer left. A couple of minutes later he made his excuses and left, almost running back to their room in his excitement. 

-

Whizzer was slammed into the wall by Marvin as he kissed him furiously, and Whizzer moved his arms up from Marvin’s hips to the back of his neck, drawing the little love hearts that had become his symbol of telling Marvin he loved him. Quickly the kisses died down into something different and new, gentle and full of love, and Marvin carried Whizzer to his bed, laying him down and taking his own shirt off before he slowly unbuttoned Whizzers, kissing down his chest as he undid each of the buttons. Usually this kind of treatment bored Whizzer, but feeling Marvin so close, yet so far away from him made him feel excited and frustrated. After he finally pulled of Whizzers shirt, Marvin undid his belt, running his fingers tentatively over the tent in whizzer jeans, then up to his rib cage, noticing how defined his rib bones were, frowning slightly.

Whizzer whined for Marvin to get back to what he was doing and he went to the draw in his bedside table, grabbing a condom and some lube, he was about to open the condom wrapper when Whizzer stopped him. 

“No I want you to cum inside me.” 

Marvin thought this request was odd considering they always used a condom because of the amount of sexual partners whizzer had, but whizzer was adamant, saying he needed him to do this last thing for him. 

What Whizzer had not told Marvin was that he had not had sex since that night in the bar when he had been… he could not even think the word. He needed someone who he loved to make him forget about the man, to replace the horribly sticky painful feeling, that he still felt a month later with a positive memory. So he insisted on Marvin taking that place instead. 

Marvin was gentle when he entered Whizzer, he kissed whizzer and whispered soothing things to him as he got used to the feeling again, and he began to move slowly. It was sweet for a change, Whizzer would usually cringe if a hookup was like this, but he pulled Marvin closer, relishing their contact, and wishing he could stay in his arms forever. 

“I love-“ Whizzer cut himself off as Marvin hit a painfully good spot inside him and seemingly froze as he heard the words “- this” he slapped himself, wondering why he could not work up the balls to just tell him how he really felt. 

Whizzer came first, covering both of their stomachs, and Marvin finally let himself cum inside of whizzer, groaning as he realised how good it felt. Whizzer smiled up at Marvin. 

“Thank you.” He said quietly as he pulled Marvin into another kiss, and Marvin gently lay down next to him, hugging him close to his stomach, everything sticky from cum, but they did not care. For once they both felt safe, with marvin’s leg wrapped around whizzer.

-

The week was short in the anticipation of the break, and as Whizzer packed up some of his stuff to leave, he kissed Marvin, his fingers daintily drawing the hearts. Until Cordelia burst into the apartment, two bottles of wine in hand and instantly felt awkward about intruding on the moment. 

“Are you guys…” she asked  
Whizzer quickly cut her off “no of course not, what makes you think that. friends kiss.”  
“Er, okay.” She replied, not convinced,” I’m just gonna go…”

“No no, I’m leaving now. Cordelia, I’ll see you, Marv, I’ll text you... yeah imma go.” Whizzers face was soaked in red as he left. As soon as he was out of the door Cordelia squealed at Marvin, chucking the bottle of wine at him and sitting down on the bed, opening her own.

“You know it’s like four in the afternoon?” He asked as she downed quarter of the bottle.

She yelled excitedly “And? Spill the tea!” 

Marvin sighed but inside he felt the flurry of emotions boil up inside of him. 

“You can’t tell anyone, but we slept together last week!” He exclaimed.

“tell me everything!” Cordelia yelled 

Marvin laughed, telling her to calm down and he continued. 

“It was different, much sweeter than usual, I mean, you know how I’m usually into rough shit and all.”  
“Your dick down game is strong.”  
Marvin laughed,” thanks baby. Anyway, it started off rough like it usually is, but then I don’t know what happened it just got gentle and and holy shit it was fucking amazing. Then he almost said ‘I love you’ and I kind of just froze.” 

“Fuck me, he must really like you.”   
“Cordelia, I think I love him, it’s just I’m scared he’s gonna run if I go to tell him like last time.” 

She got up from her seat and sat next to him, putting her arm around his shoulder and said “ look, you’re not gonna know until you ask him, so just do it.” 

Marvin nodded, trying to psych himself up “yeah if he says no I’ll just get over it right?” 

“Yep, if he says yes then you’ll be fucking happy for the rest of your life.” 

“Okay, imma do it. I’m gonna ask him out when he gets back!”

“Fuck yes! You go girl-“ Marvin stared at her, confused”- I said what I said” 

He opened up his own bottle of wine and downed it

“Let’s get this partay started!” He yelled.

-

It was the day Whizzer was due to come back and Marvin had not been able to get anything done that day, getting distracted by everything and not being able to concentrate over the tapping of his foot. Cordelia had come round to hype him up to do it, but she just seemed to be making him even more nervous. Then he heard the tiny knock on the door and him and Cordelia’s eyes met his, urging him to do it. 

“Yo come on in-“ Marvin yelled, and the door opened slightly, just enough to see Trina. He instantly stiffened up, avoiding eyes contact with her ”- um hi Trina, what are you doing here?” 

She gestured to Whizzers bed “- can I sit?” 

“Of course. Look Trina, I am so fucking sorry for everything I did. I shouldn’t have cheated on you, and I shouldn’t have hit you, I’ve been so guilty and mad at myself since it happened. I was so pissed and so wrong to be angry at you when I was being so hypocritical. Maybe in some lifetime we can be friends?”

Trina smiled, softly nodding “thank you Marvin. I think we need to talk about Whizzer though.” 

Marvin’s eyebrows knitted together for a second and his confidence faltered.

“Cordelia will you give us a minute?” Trina asked, but it was phrased as more of an order, and Cordelia left, smiling to her in an passive aggressive manner. “Look, have you seen Whizzer eating recently, sleeping?” 

Marvin thought for a second,” not really eating, but he’s been complaining that he’s been ill, he’s had a cold as well, have you heard him cough?”

“What about sleeping?”  
“Well he hasn’t hooked up with anyone in a while, he’s just been in his bed. You know last year when he collapsed he hadn’t been sleeping at all, he was just up working all night, but this time he’s been in bed, but sleeping? I’m not sure.” 

“Fuck, I think it affected him worse than I thought.” Trina got up to leave, but Marvin stopped her, her choice of language scaring him.

“What? What affected him?” He felt a pit form in his stomach and he almost felt frightened of what was to come.

“He didn’t tell you?” She looked to the door and back at Marvin judging whether she was able to tell him or not.” Marvin, he was raped. He can’t admit it but it’s been eating him up from the inside out.” 

“Holy shit, when?”

“September, the day before he came. He said he started crying when you apologised, then he came to me and told me everything.” 

Suddenly everything began to piece together in his mind and his heart started to race when he remembered what whizzer had said that night when they had sex.

“Please do this last thing for me.” 

“Something bad is about to happen” he whispered,” something very fucking bad.” 

Then he left, running at break neck speed to the cafe where he had asked Whizzer to meet him.


	29. A three part mini opera: part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright imma release these all at once bc otherwise it would be mean of me. When I was writing these, I was going through something at the time so these are loosely based on true events. Because of that fact, I have not gone back to read over them properly because it brings back the memories. I hope you enjoy
> 
> Trigger warning ⚠️

Marvin ran faster than ever before. It was not real, none of this was real. He needed to get back to Whizzer as soon as possible, he did not know why, he just felt it. Something bad was about to happen. His heart beat was racing to the point where it was the only thing he could hear, and it began to hurt. His throat began to close up and his breaths started to turn into loud, hoarse noises as his trachea began to rub together. His footing became sloppy and each stride felt like he was closer and closer to falling. 

The rain continued to fall in heavy sheets, and although it was day, the sky darkened from the rain clouds and suddenly a crack forged its way through the sky, brightening it for just a second and splitting it in half. And through the brightened sky he thought he saw a figure standing upon the roof. 

And then his phone rang. 

“ Marvin, where are you?”

Whizzers voice was cold and hard, extremely different to his usual one. Emotionless. 

“ I’m running to the dorms”

It took him a moment to struggle through his sentence, his panting getting in the way, struggling to find the oxygen needed.

“Turn around”

“What, why?”

“Please, Marvin”, and for the first time, emotion was shown in Whizzers voice,” Just do as I say”

A small voice crack was all, but it showed Marvin everything.

“Whizzer, what the hell is going on” he yelled into the phone.

Another crack of lightning lit up the sky. And then he saw him. Whizzer standing four storeys up on the roof, too close to the edge for liking, his feet stopped working for a millisecond.

“Oh my god” Marvin’s voice became a whisper

His fast jog became a sprint.

“I had a speech all planned, but I... I can’t remember it” 

“No. Don’t you dare move, I’m coming for you” 

Marvin sped up, seemingly impossible considering his limbs felt like jelly.

“No! No!” Whizzers voice became desperate “stop” 

Marvin stopped, worried whizzer might do something he would not live to regret.

“This phone call, this is my note. I had to hear your voice one last time.” Marvin could hear the smile in his voice as whizzer said it, he could see the indistinguishable figure step closer to the edge, hand out, fingers reaching for Marvin.

“No no stop it. Stop it right now. Stop pretending STOP EVERYTHING” Marvin yelled frantically.

He was so angry that he was trying to rationalise the situation. Whizzer would never do it never. 

“I’m sorry Marvin. I love you. I never told you, but I love you so much. You have to forget about me, I can’t… i can’t…”

His lip began to wobble and the tears fell down his face, blending in to the rain soaked sky.

“No, I’m not going to let you say that over the phone, I’m coming to get you” he began to run again.

“NO” whizzer was desperate and he could not contain the tears anymore “STAY WHERE YOU ARE, I love you and I can’t bear the thought of making you sad, but I have to do this”

The urgency in his voice scared Marvin, and his stomach began to turn. He stopped in his tracks, afraid of what whizzer would do if he moved. 

“Whizzer”

Whizzer smiled, and as he did, a crack in the clouds formed and the sun shone down onto him. He swallowed back the last of his tears and uttered his final words.

“Goodbye Marvin” 

He hung up the phone, leaving Marvin hearing the static at the other end. Whizzer could hear the slight echo of his name being yelled, but he ignored it placing his phone back into his pocket carefully. He breathed in heavily, enjoying the feeling of the rain on his face one final time. He let out the breath, shaking as he did, then he stepped off of the ledge, Marvin’s jaw dropped as he fell. 

Then Marvin collapsed.


	30. A three part mini opera: part 2

Before 

It had been happening for several months , too long for whizzer to not be concerned.

First he began to lose weight, he had always been a healthy size, but recently as he stared into the mirrors that surrounded him, he had began to notice some  
Changes, subtle things like his face drooping slightly, his Collarbones and ribs being a lot more defined than usual. At first he blamed it on stress, collage was hard after all, and he had been skipping meals here and there to study, but it suddenly hit him one day, when Marvin showed him a photo from the freshers party and he realised just how skinny he was now. 

And then came the cough. It felt as though nails were stuck in his throat and he was trying to cough them up. Each cough was more painful than the last until eventually he started coughing blood. For him the hardest part was hiding it from other people. He began to get sideways glances from Marvin whenever his cough was horrendous, but he blamed it on hay fever in the company of others. Saying he had had it since he was a child.

But that was before the depression hit. Most days he could wake up, put on a smile, even if it was fake, and attend his classes, but sometimes there were days when he would not, no, could not get out of bed, he was numb, not able to move, not able to look at the sunlight. It hurt so much that he became desensitised to his own suffering, to protect himself. He told Marvin that he did not have classes or he was ill, but deep down he realised that something was very wrong with him. 

Then he refused to go out with friends, he did not sleep anymore, he did not have sex anymore.

Most importantly, he did not feel anymore.

That was why he went home, to visit his doctor.

Cancer 

The word hurt like a bitch, and that was when he actually felt for the first time in months. He was told his options and immediately chose to have surgery. He told Marvin that he was visiting his Mom. But instead he stayed at the hospital, alone. He did not have the guts to tell either of them, but he ended up telling Charlotte, making her promise not to tell anyone. In someways she already knew, her medical training helped her notice the signs, but she seemed to ignore them, thinking if she did not address them they would not exist.

That was the reason she wanted to talk to him after he passed out during the summer. She knew he was ill, but she underestimated how bad it was.

After the surgery he woke up with her next to him In an armchair, watching him in an extremely worried fashion. When she saw he was awake she leapt out of the chair and fetched the nurse. And then she left the room as he was told...

Stage 3, malignant and spreading fast.

He could hear his heart shatter. 

Sobs racked his body, no longer anything in the world made sense. Charlotte ran back in the room and swathed him in blankets and pillows and her own hugs. He fell asleep as the little spoon to her big one after running out of tears, his head pounding and his throat burning, hoarse. And it reminded him of Marvin. When even though Whizzer was almost half a foot taller than him, he would always be the big spoon.

Charlotte cried after he fell asleep, knowing that his chances of survival after the surgery that had been unsuccessful were slim to nothing. He woke up to her crying. But he just lay there, not letting her know he was awake. 

If someone training to be a doctor was crying, trying to hide it from him, then it must be bad.

And that was when he knew he could not live like he had the recent couple of months. It hurt too much. After his recovery he went back to the dorms and made his decision. He left a note for Charlotte, put it in her room, telling her she could not tell Marvin the real reason. He did not want to be a burden on him, he did not want to hurt him. 

So he took all the pills he could find, drinking a whole bottle of vodka with them. 

Then he got up onto the roof.


	31. A three part mini opera: part 3

After 

Numb 

Painfully so. 

Marvin slept walked through each day, not thinking, trying not to even breathe sometimes, giving into the pain.

A few weeks later the funeral was held. 

Marvin did not attend. He could not.

It took him almost three months before he could even work up the courage to visit Whizzers grave. 

Charlotte took him, the drive to whizzers home was long and filled with awkward silence. She would ask Marvin questions and he would not reply, just traced small patterns into the foggy window.

Tiny love hearts similar to the ones whizzer would trace into his neck as he kissed him.

Once they got to the city, Charlotte took Marvin to Whizzers house. 

“Hello Charlotte, how are you and who’s this”

Whizzers mum motioned to the shell that was once Marvin.

“Hey Miss brown” Charlotte nudged Marvin, attempting to wake him from his state  
“This is-“

“Marvin, m’am” 

Charlotte looked in surprise at the boy who had not looked alive for so long.

“And how did you know my son”

“Ummm…” marvins face went slightly red and he awkwardly looked down, a small smile gracing his face, “ we slept together in a random bar and then the next day found out we were room mates”

Whizzers mom smiled at him knowingly, realising this was the boy her son had fell in love with, but before she had a chance to say something, Charlotte gave Marvin the directions to the cemetery and told him she would catch up with him. He found himself wandering through streets that felt so unfamiliar to him yet he finally found the grave yard, walking over the mossy cobblestones.

He stood over the grave, a small headstone at the head.

Whizzer Brown 

It read. And then Marvin began to laugh at the implausible nature of everything unfair in the world right now. His laugh quickly faded into nothing and for the first time in months he thought of whizzer properly. And he realised that he could not remember certain things about him, like what he was wearing the first time they met, or how he would smile.

“Jesus Christ Whizzer. Why the fuck did you do it”

He stared at the gravestone expecting a reply, all he was met with was the chirping of birds and the light pattering of rain. It had been raining almost everyday since that day.

“He didn’t want me to tell anyone, but I think it’s time” Marvin snapped round to see Charlotte behind him

“What, why you?”

“Because I noticed” Charlotte teared up slightly, quickly wiping them away, “he had Cancer. It was stage 3 and he made me promise not to tell you because he didn’t want to be a burden” the flood gates opened, “I’m so sorry but I wanted to respect his wishes and and I…”

“Go.” Marvin’s voice was firm and uncaring. Angry.

“But…”

“JUST GO”

Charlotte did not argue, she turned and left

“I’ll be in the car” she whispered

Marvin waited until Charlotte was out of earshot before he turned back to the grave.

“I…I… what the hell am I doing, I’m talking to a gravestone” he laughed bitterly, “I just, I…” he sighed, annoyed at his ability to not find the words he was looking for. “I watched that Sherlock episode, the one where he jumps off of the building, you said that’s how you would fake your death, so fucking come back, say it was a joke, say you’re alive-“ there was a second of silence”-you were the only person who has ever loved me, and you helped me become myself, and i will always be great full, always.” He paused for a second, putting his hand awkwardly on the stone before turning to leave, walking a couple of feet. Then he stopped.

“No” he turned back around, “no, no. You… you and me…” he began to cry for the first time since Whizzer had died, his voice becoming a low whisper from the tears, hiccuping between words,” we were meant to end up together, we were meant to grow up together, live together, have kids together, die together.” He blubbered his way through his speech until it physically hurt him to speak anymore, “and we didn’t even begin, we never got together and that will be the biggest regret of my life, forever and always.”

“And I will always love you”


	32. Epilogue

Marvin sat at his desk working on his latest case for work. He opened the case file and began to highlight it, looking for various details that may prove useful later on. He quickly sat back furrowing his brow as the details formed a larger picture. He had been assigned a probono case from his firm, an unusual occasion, but this one hit slightly too close for comfort.

A man found dead in his boyfriend’s house.

His brain honed in on the vivid image of Whizzer, wearing all white, a halo above his head falling from the heavens and grabbed onto it with a vice grip, refusing to let go of it. The Television played in the background the cold blue light contrasting the warm dim light of his office desk, but he could in no way do something, anything to occupy his mind. The darkness became a doorway for other bad memories, his Fathers death, the breaking up of his family, struggling with his sexuality and from there he started to hyperventilate,and he fell into a downward spiral of body numbing sadness, anger and almost to the stage of different waves of crying. Then he felt numb. It could be minutes, hours or days before he felt fine, if he had help getting out.

“Daddy, daddy!”

The squealing toddler ran into his home office and Marvin awoke from his triggered state scooping the child into his arms and throwing him into the air, still feeling numb on the inside.

“Jason! How was cooking with Mommy?”

The Child picked up a highlighter and stuck it up his nose curiously before replying 

“we made banana carrot supwise”

Before Marvin could reply his wife bustled through the door.

“Jason, I told you, don’t disturb daddy when he’s working”

She scolded, pulling the highlighter out of his nose

“Trina, hon, it’s alright I like seeing my little guy”, He threw a giggling Jason up into the air again, before setting him down and ruffling his hair, “now Jason, go play downstairs I need to talk to Mommy”

“Okay”

Jason toddled out of the office, swaying from side to side, putting his arms out to maintain his balance.

“Trina, I’m going to be out working late”  
“This is the third time this week Marv”  
“I’m working a probono case, it’s a lot more work, i have less resources…”  
“When’s this going to stop Marvin?”  
“I’m not sure”

Trina stormed out of the room and Marvin felt a slight twinge of guilt for lying to her. Not because he was lying, but because Whizzer called him a monster whenever he would cheat on her and not feel guilty.

He proceeded to get out a briefcase, put in exactly two hundred dollars and seven files and quickly closed it, padlocking it shut and hiding the key in his suit pocket. He got up and went downstairs, kissing Jason on the forehead and squeezing him tightly, before kissing Trina’s cheek and heading out of their more than modest sized house. He got into his Porsche and drove downtown. Marvin had done the drive so many times that he turned into autopilot mode, and ended up arriving at the bar without even realising he was driving. 

“Marvin, how long has it been man?”  
“Dr Charlotte and her wife Mrs Cordelia, wow how times have changed!” Marvin exclaimed to the pair as they sat next to him at the bar.

“How’s the wife?” Cordelia asked.  
“Still a bitch but we had a kid” 

Marvin sighed as he called her that, knowing how much whizzer loved her, but quickly snapped out of it, and got out his phone, starting to show the happy couple lots of photos and videos of his son.

“Looks just like you!” Exclaimed Cordelia,” but the way he acts reminds me so much of…”

“Whizzer, I know. Odd right” he said.

“How are you doing now a days?” Enquired Charlotte

“Charlotte, it’s been years.” Marvin replied, slightly condescending in his tone.

“And? How are you doing?” Charlotte asked again, this time a lot firmer than before.

Marvin took a sip of his whisky before replying  
“I’m seeing a psychiatrist, you remember Mendel? Well he says I have chronic anxiety and ‘PTSD’” he drew bunny ears around it.  
“Have you been to his Grave?” Cordelia asked  
“ I used to go every week, I haven’t been for a long while now” He laughed bitterly at his own statement.

The silence took over for a minute as they all came to terms with the sadness of Marvin’s words, but also life’s natural processes.

“Well, what are you doing at a gay bar Marv, you’re a married straight man?” Cordelia asked

“You guys know that’s not true. I’m gay, took me twenty nine years, but here I am!” Marvin proudly exclaimed holding up his whisky in a sort of toast

“Are you going to tell Trina?” Charlotte responded

“Fuck no, the bitch would kill me if she found out! I always told her I was bi and more into Women” Marvin laughed, taking another swig from his glass

“What are you doing here then?”

Marvin shot Charlotte side eyes

“You know what I’m doing here”  
“You’re such a stereotypical white male lawyer, well except the gay part” 

The lesbians laughed before giving him a hug goodbye and their phone numbers, telling him to stay in contact and to stay safe. He bid them farewell before turning on his bar stool to see an attractive guy at the other side of the room, standing awkwardly. Memories flooded back to when he was the awkward one, the first time he met Whizzer, but he quickly shook off the feeling, getting up and talking to this seemingly innocent man.

Two hours later he flopped down in the bed of the apartment he bought In secret in the city, the man from the bar entangled around him after aggressive, rough sex. He got up and left almost instantly after the man fell asleep, driving home to his tethered lifestyle that would one day lead him to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

No matter how hard you push or try, no matter how hard you work for it or want it… some stories just don’t have a happy ending - Jodi Picoult

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so this is the end. I’ve already written the first chapter of my second book, it’s called “I’ll let you win” and it’s a marvel AU (about falsettos) 
> 
> Who was your favourite character?  
> What was your favourite part?  
> What part made you angry at a specific character?  
> Did you like it?


End file.
